Guilty Pleasures

Like a bad case (or any case for that matter) of herpes, I'm back. It's been a rough couple of weeks but don't you worry because we're back in full force with more hellacious analogies, and mind-numbing laughter that will make you guffaw so hard you'll probably be somewhat close to a pulmonary embolism.

Before we actually get into the point of this entry, Dick Clark, what the hell are you doing? I love you and all, your work on American Bandstand although my mother doesn't even remember it was timeless and iconic, but let's get real. You're 80 years old. You've had a stroke. You speak like Helen Keller. You are an unnatural shade of orange (Think Garfield). When counting down from 20 becomes a serious task or tongue twister if you will (14,12, 10,11,10,9) you may need to give Shady Acres Rest Home a call. I can honestly say that the end of 2009 went out with laughter, so for that Dickie, I thank you. But please hand the reigns over to Seacrest, whose uncanny snide remarks are rivaled only by Chris Berman.

Guilty Pleasures. Everyone has them. Whether you're pregnant and you like to eat potato chips with ketchup or if you secretly still listen to Clay Aiken everyday (I swear I'm not talking about me) everyone has vices. I have a few television shows that I probably shouldn't be watching given my age, responsibilities and sheer clout as a man but what can I say, I'm a sucker for a sexy senorita.

The Secret Life of an American Teenager- When I first got wind of this show it's because the love of my life was watching it but I would relegate her to the bedroom because I couldn't be bothered with that fodder. But when I caught a few seconds of an episode and realized, "Hey these girls are HOT!" (That's what I thought in my head) Then I caught an episode and realized that there was some real funny shit and real world stuff to deal with, I was hooked. I realize that all of these episodes take place in high school and they are portrayed as Sophomores and Juniors and that its very taboo saying "Wow, that high school girl could take a D", but I'd defend it by saying "EVERY one of the girls are at least 18 and are all completely "bang-able"" for lack of a better word. They have a "Downer" (I'm making up a slang term for Down Syndrome) whom makes me literally spit out whatever I'm drinking from the hilarious one liners. They have sluts, unprotected sex, and love triangles. Call me old fashioned, but aren't those the foundation of what America was made on? Oh, they aren't? Screw it, I like it and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Glee- I recognize that you will probably mercilessly ridicule me for this one, but I LOVE this show. I like people that can sing, hence why I also watch American Idol. Of course Sanjaya still doesn't count. You will probably compare me to one of the most notable characters on the show, Kurt Hummel, just for watching this show. (That was an indirect gay bash) There aren't as many hot females although Lea Michelle has that naughty Girl Next Door feel to her even though she is as prude as they come on the show. So I can't use that for an excuse. But the sub-plots in this winner with Girlfriends' sleeping (and getting pregnant) with boyfriends' best friends is always a crowd pleaser and faking pregnancies are always fun and I just have a sweetspot for anything and everything about this show. It's like what High School Musical wanted to be but with better singers and a better plot. So it's basically the EVIL High School Musical.

Nip/Tuck- I have watched this show since its inception and after seeing every controversial topic (from trannies, to midgets, to being raped in prison) tackled with reckless abandonment this show is more complete than ANY show in television history. It's had the gut check moments; it's had contentious moments, the funny and the sad. There are two main characters and they are both so different yet the same both dealing with Hamlet-like quandaries every episode and the soft core porn is the standard-setter for EVERY provocative show on television. In fact the director of this show directs the aforementioned Glee and I only expect MORE sex and MORE scandal in the years to come. But, this show is drawing to a close in March, and I for one am so distraught with the departure of my favorite show on television that I've had to resort to Jersey Shore. While it's great for mindless college age and slightly above kids it's really going to leave me at odds when I want to see some bimbo get a tit job.

Call me Elementary, call me a perv, but I love me some sex on TV shows, and I love me some skanks who love some sex. I call that being a red-blooded man. Sue Me.

Stay Tuned

Ryan