It was shaping up to be like every other winter month Sunday, where I curl up on the couch and watch football. But a completely unexpected call from BOTN regular Money Mike changed my day for the better. Because when you have a truck you are designated as everyone's favorite moving van or hauler. I however was first choice in a circle of like 5 friends that have trucks, so that's gotta count for something. We needed to go pick up some plywood at Lowes because of an unfortunate death to the plywood holding up his bed frame was maliciously snapped by the recently named Bed Thrashing Renegade (or just someone daintily sitting on the bed, but make of it what you will.)
We get the measurements for the plywood and we're off. Now we're head bobbing to some serious beats in the truck and the following sentence proposed to me by Money Mike came out, "Ya know that little white kid that like half raps half sings?" "uhhh, Justin Bieber?" (I answer this only because I watched Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve) "Yeah, why can't we do that? His songs are whack, and he has girls screaming all over him." I thought about it for a split second and said, "First off, You've read the blog I obviously already have girls running up to me, but we can absolutely do that, If and Only if we drop the bubblegum image that we used to have in our songs in High School. No more songs about love, we need to talk about crushing pussy." As soon as those words came out of my mouth before we had even got out of the car to the store, I knew we were in for a treat.
So we get into Lowe's and we start looking at plywood. Now, I'm not professing to be Bob Vila, but when I know more about the hardware store than the person I'm there with, we may be in trouble. We find a BEAUTIFUL piece of plywood that has a nice finish to it and it's under the $11.97 tag and although it seems fishy there's a bunch of them under this tag and it must be true. This will eventually be proven wrong but we aren't there yet. We load it up onto the cart and head towards the wood cutting station out back. Upon reaching our destination an Australian or English Lowe's employee says, "Do you need something cut mate?" We nod. "I'll be right back then." And in my best Geico Gecko voice I go, "Okay." We never saw him again so I'm wondering if he just started a voodoo doll with my face on it.
We are waiting in line with some guy that looks like what would happen if the two guys from Jordan's Furniture had a kid. We strike up some small talk, and tell him how we are using our pieces of plywood for a support on a bed frame. To speak of how nice this plywood looked, this man looks at Money Mike and says, "don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to sleep under your bed." Call me old fashioned, but is there any other way to take that than to think of the end scene from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. He asks us how much we are paying for it and we tell him and he along with the attendant feel the need to march back down the aisle and verify our price. To our dismay, some ass-hat decided to put a bunch of those sheets of plywood on top of the actual pieces which were far more impoverished looking. Back to square one.
We wrangle up another couple pieces and then realize that the width of the piece of plywood that we need is 4'6'' and the widest piece is only 4'1'' so now we have a dilemma that I have to divide the pieces and figure out the new width. Shouldn't be too difficult except for the fact that I should have divided the length, because there would be no support in the middle if we went the vertical way instead of going across. Get what I mean? Anyway, our new saw attendant's name was Raymond and he was interesting to say the least.
Now if you were to meet someone for the first time I'm thinking a couple things you wouldn't want to dive right into in terms of conversation would probably be bigotry and then kidnapping, probably in that order. Well not if your name is Raymond! When asked about what they do with excess wood that the purchaser doesn't want after being sawed his response was, "Well, we like to turn them into crosses and burn them on people's front lawn." Are you shitting me? Pretty sure this isn't Montgomery Alabama nor is it 1961 but maybe I'll let this slide? Then another employee down at the complete opposite end of the store walked by and she was one of the girls that is 'nice from afar, but far from nice" (can I get an Amen brotha's?) and then Raymond decided to say, "actually I think with this excess wood I'm going to make a box and keep Amber in it, but don't tell her because I have a restraining order." Yup, I'm going to go with: Epping, New Hampshire where all your dreams and prejudices come true.
So aside from having to listen to this sketchball ramble on about different things he had no idea how to work this saw. I understand that technology these days is getting advanced but he was squatting there sort of like Phil Mickelson lining up a putt for a solid 3 minutes (I'd have said Tiger but he's getting all the headlines). When he finally decided it was time to cut another employee came over and relieved him of his duties. I say employee lightly because this man could be classified as employee(s) he was so large. All the while Mike and I are dying laughing about what is transpiring. Some way or another we got on the topic of Peyton Manning and Eli Manning. Naturally I brought up that commercial with Donald Trump and the brothers. At the time, the Oreo part of the commercial was escaping my brain, and I made the mistake of uttering Twinkies instead of Oreo's while the large man wielding a saw was eavesdropping. The bark that came out of this man was only likened to one, drill sergeant from Forrest Gump, and he yelled, "OREO'S" like I had just committed one of the 7 deadly sins. At that time I should have pointed out gluttony is one of them, but I refrained.
So now it's go-time. I mean this in the sense where we needed to physically leave and we had to go down and meet the aforementioned Amber. Needless to say, she was number than a fart (I don't actually know what that means but people with far more knowledge than I use it so it is what it is), and took her about 12 minutes were to find the barcode to scan in our wood. Backtrack just for a second, our plywood was 18 dollars and change per sheet. Back in present time, she rings it in for the 15 per sheet price and we then net a 6 dollar profit, take that capitalism!
Stay Tuned
Ryan
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