Special Edition Thursday Rumblings

I know what you're all thinking, "Hey man it's Thursday, you can't do 'rumblings'. I'm still laughing so hard from last week's high jinks that it is physically impossible for me to read another one." For anyone that actually meant that, Thanks, for anyone that didn't; get lost. This is a short week here at BOTN and you get your Rumblings early because I'm doin' big things tomorrow, and I'll give you a full rundown of that on Monday. Also still waiting on the illustrious Chad Finn to respond to my email so that I can present it to ya'll…but he has assured me that he has been CRAZY BUSY with the Olympics coming up, so that piece is sort of on backorder, but it will get done.

• Within the last month I saw The Hangover, and I just wanted to pay homage to one of the most irreverently hilarious movies I've seen.
  
• After Watching Yes Man, I'm sort of starting to re-think this saying no to shit I don't want to do mantra. But it may also be that I am developing an unnatural Bradley Cooper fetish.
  
• I really think that Confucius Say, is an underrated form of comedy. Take this for example: Confucius say, Man with five dicks have pants that fit like glove. Classic
  
• I would like to reach out and offer my deepest condolences to the family of Brendan Fraser. I was not aware that he had Aspberger's.
  
• For anyone whom is a fan of prank calls, best one I've seen/heard in years.
  
• I'm going to assume that everyone reading this has perused YouTube for more than 10 minutes. And if that's the case you've obviously been Rick Roll'd. But would I be one to laugh at the besmirching the word of God with a Rick Roll…You're GOD damn right I would be!
  
• Great read by Gene Wojciechowski, yes I said it.
  
• Because you know that I love to relive my childhood television moments, I 100% watched Smart House with Ryan Merriman. Which also was unbeknownst to me that LeVar Burton directed this masterpiece, go figure.
  
• Speaking of our resident Reading Rainbow homie, he completed my life with this tweet recently (yes I follow him), "Kunta's in the house" the best 4-word Tweet in the history of Twitter.
  
• I'm wondering how Johnny Damon STILL doesn't have a job.
  
• With Rick Ankiel signing with the Royals, I'm sort of hopeful that after a week or two of beating up on their starting pitchers outside of Zack Greinke if he's going to get a spot start. Couldn't be any worse than Gil Meche.
  

That's what I got for you this week. Please come to the fundraiser on Saturday if you have the time. Should be a good time! 6pm at the Polish Club in Newmarket, NH. Come see me, you won't be disappointed. *wink*

Stay Tuned

Ryan

In Between the Sheets

Well Sox fans, crisis averted. Ben Sheets didn't sign with the Yankees, or the new potential powerhouse Mariners or even the pitching detrimental Rangers, he decided to go with the A's. Great Business move on his part, but I question his inner winner.

The A's are traditionally a great pitching ball club going back to the likes of Lefty Grove, Satchel Paige, and Don Sutton to the new school trio of Mulder, Hudson and Zito in their prime. Their ballpark is conducive to pitchers. And they normally have decent team defense. As good as Ben Sheets is, he does not put this team over the hump. After not playing in all of 2009 he garnered 10 mil a year, and if he pitches well gets to hit the market next year for another big contract.

I'm not sure however, what this means to his competitive nature. The A's do NOT have the offense to support these wings out there. This is the quintessential team that's following the pitching and defense mantra. But they don't have ANY offense. When Jack Cust is the only threat in your lineup, you may need to invest in some sort of offense because right now there's nothing.

As Red Sox fans everyone thinks that they should have spectacular defenders that hit .320 and drop 30 taters a year. So when you complain about our offense think about what Oakland has to deal with and then relish the problems you have. So let me get this straight. You want a team full of Hanley Ramirez's 1-9? Good bid, but not gonna happen. Corner positions (infield and outfield) SHOULD be your power positions, and up the middle (C, SS, 2B, P, CF) you have to be strong on the pitching and defense side. I'll give you that Catching is suspect, and I more than anyone hear you. But his offense will make up for ANY shortcomings he has behind the dish. But also look for him to be better than last year at throwing out runners. Gary Tuck is the best in the business with catchers, and he's going to get the hitch out of his arm so that he no longer throws like Ellen DeGeneres. (For all intents and purposes she has a weak arm. But she's a Lezzie so she could have a cannon)

As a quick side note, for all of you regular BOTNers, the fundraiser on Saturday night is NOT 21+. So if you were upset that you couldn't go because you couldn't put away drinks (legally), fret no more. But if you do decide to come, please bring some dough and donate to this fund. This should be a fantastic event, with great people, and for an even better cause. Saturday night from 6-11, that's where I'll be. See you there? I hope so.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Society Sucks

Steven Tyler said it best, "There's something wrong with the world today." I don't think I've ever been more appalled at being an American than I was last night and this morning when I read about the havoc going on in South Hadley, Massachusetts. Kevin Cullen painted a picture far more malicious than the movie Mean Girls. This real-life occurrence was like Mean Girls on steroids.

For a Readers Digest version of this heinous story, Phoebe Prince was a freshman at South Hadley High School just removed from moving to the United States from Ireland. She had a brief fling with a senior football player and apparently some of the natives from South Hadley didn't think she knew her place. One girl lead the charge on ridiculing this girl so mercilessly by cyber-stalking her every day on her Facebook, calling her an Irish Slut and throwing things at her. This festered inside of Phoebe until the point of no return. 10 days ago Phoebe killed herself. If that wasn't bad enough her little sister found her hanging in her closet. And in a bone-chilling sign of no remorse the girl went onto her Facebook and continued to badmouth Phoebe even after the suicide that she had a hand in. When questioned by the cops, she lied, and then went back onto the internet and paraded around about how she had eluded the cops.

I'm going to be the first to admit, I'm one to go ape shit whenever some Muslim does something stupid and proclaim we should kick out every one of them from the country. There is a lot of stupid, asinine, slanted things that I've said and done for that matter, but this is flat out evil. This girl needs to be punished. Facebook has a record of EVERY comment/status update/post that anyone has ever made and if she is berating this girl along with mocking the police after their interrogation, she needs to go. SOMETHING/SOMEONE needs to give. What are we instilling into our children, folks. You can bet, that if I ever found out that my child was doing anything to crush someone's spirit or do anything detrimental to their life that it would be nipped in the bud immediately, with a written apology and the assurance that it would NEVER happen again. My backside would have been worn out if I did anything like that and rest assure the same values would be instilled in my child.

But what if the tables were turned? What if my child were being bullied? No kid wants their parents to get involved with social issues at school, it's just not cool. But when it starts coming into your home by way of social networking tools and people throwing things at either of my children. You can bet I'm getting in my car and I'm going to the parents of these so-called bullies. Now to be honest, most parents don't know half of what goes on in school, and when they say "they do" you can look over and watch their teen's eyes roll. So when I get to their door and tell them what is going on, any self-respecting parent should sit their child down and if not beat their ass, tongue lash them to the point where you're literally screaming into their esophagus.

If this doesn't happen, and the parent tells me to essentially, fuck a goat, and I know that my child is on the verge of breaking down so much as to let it lead to suicide; I'm taking matters into my own hands and scaring the shit out of these kids. No person, I REPEAT, no person has the right to infringe upon anyone's inalienable rights and I will be damned if some little vindictive preppy bitch is going to take my child's life. I would gladly spend time in jail to preserve my child's life and I will freely admit that to any judge that wants to look a father of a gorgeous daughter in his eye and tell me otherwise.

So, what's next? Who else is there to blame? There are many people to blame. Obviously, first and foremost, that little shit playing mind-games with Phoebe.

• Teachers- Every teacher at that school knew that these things were going on. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind. But what are they told to do now by the laws in this country? Avoid confrontation. These teachers should have stepped in and reported this immediately but they didn't. They should be taking bullying seminars, in order to deal with situations like this. But in this day and age when everything is about frogskins, going above and beyond at your job is clearly taboo.
  
• Students- For every student that didn't stand up to this girl, you are cowards. You may be thinking who am I to call them a coward? The guy that risked alienating a good friend because he found out that her father was a kid diddler, and contacted authorities immediately. That's who! But I can't give you the entire blame for this because you clearly had no morals instilled in you by your parents.
  
• Parents- Are you all for real? You're going to bring kids into this world and not teach them to be their own person and not to conform to society? You are pathetic. If you want your kids to go anywhere in life, they need to take the calculate risk. If one, just one, of your kids stood up and said, "If you pick on Phoebe again, I will put my foot so far up your ass that you'll be spitting out leather for a week" the odds that other kids would have backed said child would increase, along with the antagonist potentially having second thoughts about doing this as well. Collective Fail here.
  

To me this is a classic case of elitism. It sounds like this girl was supposedly King Shit before Phoebe moved to town and got pissed off when the seniors didn't want to tap her anymore. Phoebe Prince was lost from this world because someone didn't think she belonged on top of the High School Food Chain. Someone needs to do something, this shit is out of control.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Hard to Find Good Help These Days

It was shaping up to be like every other winter month Sunday, where I curl up on the couch and watch football. But a completely unexpected call from BOTN regular Money Mike changed my day for the better. Because when you have a truck you are designated as everyone's favorite moving van or hauler. I however was first choice in a circle of like 5 friends that have trucks, so that's gotta count for something. We needed to go pick up some plywood at Lowes because of an unfortunate death to the plywood holding up his bed frame was maliciously snapped by the recently named Bed Thrashing Renegade (or just someone daintily sitting on the bed, but make of it what you will.)

We get the measurements for the plywood and we're off. Now we're head bobbing to some serious beats in the truck and the following sentence proposed to me by Money Mike came out, "Ya know that little white kid that like half raps half sings?" "uhhh, Justin Bieber?" (I answer this only because I watched Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve) "Yeah, why can't we do that? His songs are whack, and he has girls screaming all over him." I thought about it for a split second and said, "First off, You've read the blog I obviously already have girls running up to me, but we can absolutely do that, If and Only if we drop the bubblegum image that we used to have in our songs in High School. No more songs about love, we need to talk about crushing pussy." As soon as those words came out of my mouth before we had even got out of the car to the store, I knew we were in for a treat.

So we get into Lowe's and we start looking at plywood. Now, I'm not professing to be Bob Vila, but when I know more about the hardware store than the person I'm there with, we may be in trouble. We find a BEAUTIFUL piece of plywood that has a nice finish to it and it's under the $11.97 tag and although it seems fishy there's a bunch of them under this tag and it must be true. This will eventually be proven wrong but we aren't there yet. We load it up onto the cart and head towards the wood cutting station out back. Upon reaching our destination an Australian or English Lowe's employee says, "Do you need something cut mate?" We nod. "I'll be right back then." And in my best Geico Gecko voice I go, "Okay." We never saw him again so I'm wondering if he just started a voodoo doll with my face on it.

We are waiting in line with some guy that looks like what would happen if the two guys from Jordan's Furniture had a kid. We strike up some small talk, and tell him how we are using our pieces of plywood for a support on a bed frame. To speak of how nice this plywood looked, this man looks at Money Mike and says, "don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to sleep under your bed." Call me old fashioned, but is there any other way to take that than to think of the end scene from I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. He asks us how much we are paying for it and we tell him and he along with the attendant feel the need to march back down the aisle and verify our price. To our dismay, some ass-hat decided to put a bunch of those sheets of plywood on top of the actual pieces which were far more impoverished looking. Back to square one.

We wrangle up another couple pieces and then realize that the width of the piece of plywood that we need is 4'6'' and the widest piece is only 4'1'' so now we have a dilemma that I have to divide the pieces and figure out the new width. Shouldn't be too difficult except for the fact that I should have divided the length, because there would be no support in the middle if we went the vertical way instead of going across. Get what I mean? Anyway, our new saw attendant's name was Raymond and he was interesting to say the least.

Now if you were to meet someone for the first time I'm thinking a couple things you wouldn't want to dive right into in terms of conversation would probably be bigotry and then kidnapping, probably in that order. Well not if your name is Raymond! When asked about what they do with excess wood that the purchaser doesn't want after being sawed his response was, "Well, we like to turn them into crosses and burn them on people's front lawn." Are you shitting me? Pretty sure this isn't Montgomery Alabama nor is it 1961 but maybe I'll let this slide? Then another employee down at the complete opposite end of the store walked by and she was one of the girls that is 'nice from afar, but far from nice" (can I get an Amen brotha's?) and then Raymond decided to say, "actually I think with this excess wood I'm going to make a box and keep Amber in it, but don't tell her because I have a restraining order." Yup, I'm going to go with: Epping, New Hampshire where all your dreams and prejudices come true.

So aside from having to listen to this sketchball ramble on about different things he had no idea how to work this saw. I understand that technology these days is getting advanced but he was squatting there sort of like Phil Mickelson lining up a putt for a solid 3 minutes (I'd have said Tiger but he's getting all the headlines). When he finally decided it was time to cut another employee came over and relieved him of his duties. I say employee lightly because this man could be classified as employee(s) he was so large. All the while Mike and I are dying laughing about what is transpiring. Some way or another we got on the topic of Peyton Manning and Eli Manning. Naturally I brought up that commercial with Donald Trump and the brothers. At the time, the Oreo part of the commercial was escaping my brain, and I made the mistake of uttering Twinkies instead of Oreo's while the large man wielding a saw was eavesdropping. The bark that came out of this man was only likened to one, drill sergeant from Forrest Gump, and he yelled, "OREO'S" like I had just committed one of the 7 deadly sins. At that time I should have pointed out gluttony is one of them, but I refrained.

So now it's go-time. I mean this in the sense where we needed to physically leave and we had to go down and meet the aforementioned Amber. Needless to say, she was number than a fart (I don't actually know what that means but people with far more knowledge than I use it so it is what it is), and took her about 12 minutes were to find the barcode to scan in our wood. Backtrack just for a second, our plywood was 18 dollars and change per sheet. Back in present time, she rings it in for the 15 per sheet price and we then net a 6 dollar profit, take that capitalism!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday’s Rumblings

Said in my Heidi voice from Home Improvement, "Does anyone know what time it is?" Rumblings time. *cue the entry music* Spare me however the Richard Karn entrance. You guys guessed it, I know you've been waiting another week to get inside my ( I want to say pants) brain and let's get to it shall we?

• As you'll see on the side panel I just added the widget for Erica's Fundraiser! If you can attend Please come, I would love to see y'all there. If you can't or you're not 21 and you want to help out please visit her website , and donate anything you can, honestly even 1 dollar makes a difference folks.
  
• The thought that has been radiating throughout my body and I'm sure yours for the last week is: what the fuck happened to Brent Musberger? When the hell did he become Burgess Meredith? Wasn't it just yesterday he was berating Dan Fouts for, "not holding anything back" on The Waterboy . * Looks down at watch and realizes he has two kids* Where does the time go?
  
• Gordon Hayward, when he is ready to go into the NBA will either be Dirk Nowitski or Mark Madsen I'm not quite sure which iconic white guy to peg him yet.
  
• Along the same lines of Brent Musberger, when the hell did LT become a fullback? What it do, LT?
  
• Among one of the most hyped shows in recent memory is Archer. Could it have been more of a letdown, honestly let's show all the funny parts on the commercials? I guess when you're only competition is Lopez Latenight you can't lose right?
  
• Now, I'm usually a Country music fan but I do like me some T-Pain on occasion. But I'll be damned if perennial goodie-two-shoes Usher doesn't absolutely crush this song along with any pootang that happens to follow it.
  
• As for this weeks reminder of 90's television: My Brother and Me. Remember Alfie's ears? Friggin things could have been mistaken for a small Russian satellite.
  
• Heidi Montag, what you doin' girl? You were already fly, now you gotta have Pam's rack, Shakira's curves, and Angelina's lips? Not that I'm complaining but can one woman be more perfect?
  
• With American Idol in full swing we gotta give them the Hottie of the Week shoutout(s): Kara DioGuardi I don't need to explain this one. But how bout the girl that looks like she stroked out? Shit if I ever have a stroke I want to look like Shelby Dressel. She's my odd's on favorite to start blowing people away. Hopefully that wasn't some sort of precursor to an innuendo.
  
• On a baseball note, How about Ferguson Jenkins calling out Big Mac? I'm actually going to lean towards Mark on this if that makes any sense. Fergie has absolutely no idea which pitcher's were using in the height of the steroid era, so how bout the pitchers that were using come out and apologizing for sitting someone on their ass. Yeah I'm talking to you Eric Gagne.
  

Have a great weekend everyone, tip your waitresses, and try the veal.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

A Worthy Cause

Alright, now before I get to the point I'm going to beat around the bush here for a few minutes. But being a 'parent' has been the most rewarding to me in more ways than I can ever count. For all of you that have children that read this, you know what I'm talking about, and for all of you that don't have any, start fornicating! Seriously though, someone that I work with and one of the most genuinely nice people that I have ever met needs our help.

Erica Maniotis was born to be a mother however 7 years ago she was diagnosed with infertility. After years of trying to become pregnant and copious amounts of money and medical procedures later the seemingly implausible became a reality. Erica was pregnant with twins and couldn't have been more happy. 13 weeks into her pregnancy the ultrasound technicians had to give her some heart-breaking news. She had lost Twin B. Although horrible, Erica trudged on knowing she still had another little bundle of joy cooking in the oven that she had to be strong for. Bad news continued to pile up for the next 10+ weeks until she gave birth at 24 weeks. For those of my readers' that don't know, it's 40 weeks for a pregnancy and anything before 30 weeks is highly dangerous and the rate of survival is minimal.

Erica's son, Mikey Jr was diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome, but he was a soldier, and would not go quietly into the night. He fought for every breath he took for an excruciating 48 days until the massive amount of health problems could not be overcame. Mikey Jr. was lost from this world on October 14^th 2009 and Erica's hopes and dreams had been thwarted once again by mother nature. Not just by mother nature, the doctor's have informed Erica she will never be able to carry a baby again.

Now, Erica's sister-in-law has given her the highly-coveted "second chance at life". She has offered to be her surrogate. This would seem to be the solution for all of Erica's problems until the issue of payment arose. While paying all of the bills that had accrued from her pregnancy with Mikey, she has to come up with 25,000 dollars for the surrogacy to take place. This is where I need your help BOTNers.

I have never been more heartbroken for one person. If you are like me you are wondering what you can do to help. Well there's a couple things:

• On January 30^th 2010, at the Polish Club in Newmarket, NH there will be a fundraiser including dinner, a silent auction, drinks, and dancing. To put this into perspective the kind of magnitude of this situation, Dustin Pedroia has donated a few things for this cause. As a lot of you know he also gave birth to a now healthy premature baby boy. But Dustin has donated a few autographed items for the auction, among gift cards and an array of different items. The drinks will be available via cash bar (always a fan favorite). The Music will be provided by Mike Guyre who offered his services free of charge for this event. 21 and Over though folks.
  
• If you can't make it to the Polish Club, and you still want to help out, don't fret! Erica has set up a website to try and obtain her goal. Here's the link http://www.giveforward.org/miracleshappen/
  

I know that with the economy being the way it is, people don't have a lot of money to spend. But if you have 10 dollars, 5 dollars, even 1 dollar that you can spare, PLEASE help out Erica and Mike. There are not two more deserving people in this world for the gift of life, and if you can help or attend I'd love to see you there. If you want to talk baseball, talk parenthood, or just shootin' the breeze. That's where I'll be and I want to see ALL of you there! If you need any directions to the Polish Club or any other information…PLEASE email me at ryan.norton@cision.com , facebook me, or twitter.com/bottomofthe9 is where you can get in touch with me…Erica needs your help.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Paps Blue Ribbon

So Papelbon got the big bucks. People are/were pining for a trade of the All-Star closer but the fact of the matter is he is under our control for two years more and if we get rid of him now depending on what we got in return (most likely wouldn't be another reliever) our bullpen strength would reduce significantly. I personally am sick of his antics and his run off at the mouth 'style' (I don't believe I just said that) but when it comes down to baseball; shut your mouth, do your job, help your team win.

It's funny. I've never been more enthralled with any out of state political goings-on than I have about the Massachusetts Senate vote. I am so happy that the rightful candidate won. It's not just because I am a Republican, but because he ran the better campaign. This was one of the biggest upsets in the history of MA and is borderline comparable to being down 3-0 to the Yankees in '04, or the Patriots beating the heavily favored Rams in '01. Massachusetts is the most Liberal of ALL Liberal states in the nation and Scott Brown emerged victorious. That should NOT go unnoticed. I won't go into detail about my hatred towards Obama-care, or his "plan" to fix the economy. But I will say this, how's that hopey, changey shit working out for all y'all?

Ya know what amuses me? People doing stupid things. Be it on purpose or by accident that shit never ceases to amaze. While I was at work my douche bag neighbor ( I call him a douche bag because who likes to get woken up at 2AM to a thump on the ceiling) dropped his tools and one mysteriously fell through a crack and landed on my deck. Now this is puzzling to me because his deck, which is the exact same as mine, is made of solid oak with NO HOLES in it but I guess that's neither here nor there. So, instead of the wife running it up there throughout the day it is my responsibility because, "I don't know him." Newsflash, either do I, but I digress.

I take the short, yet solemn walk up the stairs to man above, and I give a firm yet friendly 3 knocks on the door. I hear some rustling around and then the click of a deadbolt unlocking. An open door followed by a shirtless young man bouncing around sort of like one of the monkeys from The Wizard of Oz with such a fierce fervor I ask if he had Parkinson's. Then he piped in with an, "Oh I was thinking you were someone else." I then wondered (unfortunately not aloud), "you greet most people like this?" On second thought can I get a ruling on if it's too late to go back up there and bounce up and down on his deck and say hi? Let me know.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Man Against the Machine

I want everyone to pay careful attention to what the Seattle Mariners are doing. They have quietly, or not so quietly depending on how hard you follow baseball, had the best offseason of ANY team in recent years. Even better than the Yankees half-billion dollar spending melee last winter. Let's have look at what they've done:

• Signed Chone Figgins to a team friendly 4-year 36-million dollar contract.
  
• Traded 3 non-impact minor leaguers to land them Cliff Lee
  
• Swapped ugly contract for ugly contract with the Carlos Silva, Milton Bradley trade
  
• Traded a journeyman utility man for their starting first baseman in Casey Kotchman
  
• Sured up their bullpen by trading away Brandon Morrow for Brandon League
  
• Re-signed the RIGHTFUL Gold Glove winner from 2009 Franklin Guttierez
  
• Re-signed one of the Top 2 right-handed pitchers in baseball, Felix Hernandez
  
• On top of all this movement they have saved money with a bunch of contracts coming off the books
  

Holy happy horseshit the M's have created a machine and I for one am petrified. As good as the Red Sox defense looks (on paper) the Seattle 9's should be better. They have the best/fastest outfield in all of Major League Baseball. The left side of their defense is anchored down by 2 Gold Glove caliber players. Casey Kotchman is a defensive whiz kid at first and Jose Lopez is solid as well.

You wanna talk pitching and defense? The Mariners could be the best in baseball. Now, they are right in the thick of the Ben Sheets bidding war. The only real blemish that I can see is their lack of an impact, powerbat. But unfortunately for the rest of the teams in the league they have the pieces to put together a deal for Adrian Gonzalez. But if pitching and defense wins ballgames, than these guys could be primed for a season that runs LONG into the fall. If you ask me, their GM deserves a raise, nightly visits from Mark Kotsay's Wife, and a Porsche with Kim Kardashian's ass as the steering wheel cover.

It has been brought to my attention by my blogging brethren over at Sweaty Towels, that Albert Pujols has come to the defense of his predecessor at first base, Mark McGwire. But upon showing me the link the question was asked what kind of coverage do you think Albert's line about making "mistakes in the past" is going to garner in. My Response? Virtually none. Albert Pujols coming to your aid is sort of like Mother Teresa standing by your side or Jesus Christ himself playing the role of Jiminy Cricket in terms of baseball. I shouldn't actually say none, because there are reporters and/or deterrents trying to prove Albert's character and expertise synthetic 24/7. But to think those words would entice them to amp up their search for purity when every home run that he hits should prompt in-game testing is a bit of a stretch.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Food For Thought

You know me; I love food. For the most part it's difficult to find new and exciting things when you can't eat pasta and an assortment of carbs. But I was referred to a recipe that was told to me to be "better than sex." Now that shit is some strong words. If you're going to proclaim that ANY food is better than some sort of felatio this shit is gonna be off the chains.

Now when it's being made, an enticing aroma of the cinnamon is inhabiting my nostrils. So I am really excited about eating this to the point where my salivating expression resembles that kid from Hey Arnold that drools over Helga. So, needless to say, when I get a bowl of this heaping pile of goodness I'm expecting a flavor explosion.

For some reason however it was a letdown. Maybe I'm being harsh but when someone tells me something is "better than sex", I think of a couple things:

• This stuff will be hands down the most amazing thing that has ever happened in or around my mouth. (Please refrain from the pillow-biter jokes, I get them enough as it is.)
  
• They must not have had sex with the right people (aka me) because my shit is what Ciara wrote, "My Goodies" about.
  

Call me a cynic, but I'm not even sure if that soup came with never ending blowjobs and a sandwich maker that it could have been construed as "better than sex". On a coarsely related side-note, I was going through my junk mail and got some spam from a www.lonelycheatingwives.com. Call me old-fashioned but wouldn't this ENTIRE WEBSITE be construed as being and infidelity cesspool? I mean honestly is there any way that this can be legal? Tiger Woods cheats on his wife with girls and guys aplenty and everyone shits a brick, but now we're advertising cheating wife-ho's and everyone is all ho-hum. Well played America, Well played.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday’s Rumblings

Ya know, I love writing about baseball, but these 'rumblings' are quickly becoming my favorite and most loathsome part of the week. Favorite because this shit is comedic genius, and loathsome because I don't think that often so I've had to start writing my completely inane thoughts down throughout the week in order to fulfill my duties to y'all on Friday's. But I'll stop the rambling, and start the rumbling.

• Mark McGwire has been thrust into the public eye again for the first time in half a decade. Is it wrong that the most alarming thing to me in his "tell-all" with Bob Costas, was the neck rolls that look like a roast beef sandwich?
  
• I'm thinking that if you yourself say "that was a good one" to one of your own punch lines it was not in fact a "good one".
  
• Movie recommendation of the week: Watchmen. This movie was phenomenal with a phenomenal message and Malin Akerman gave me blue balls just watching her in spandex.
  
• Not a huge fan of Mark Ruffalo and when your most notable movie of recent memory was 13 going on 30 you should probably just pack it in, but he was phenomenal in What Doesn't Kill You.
  
• For this week's hottie I'm going with a throw back: Jenny Garth. I don't think I've ever wanted an older woman to sit on my face more than this 90210 Lolita.
  
• I've figured out that if I was a woman, and pregnant, I would be the biggest bitch in the world.
  
• Not gonna lie, when Marvin Harrison played with the Colts I thought he was another nice as pie superstar, so needless to say when this story came out I shit a kitten.
  
• Michael Jackson's death has been classified as a murder, but I'm willing to classify it as a martyr. The cause he died for you ask? The right to be a mill-screw that-billionaire and be able to diddle little boys and get away with it.
  
• Wonders what took the Marlins so long to extend Josh Johnson?
  
• Let me be clear, I do not like Conan O'Brien but he is getting absolutely low-balled by NBC and Leno in this whole debacle and that's actually forced him into having a funny show for the first time in his career.
  
• Anyone else see that "sheep" that had a humans head only thing I could think of was this born and (in)bred American Couple.
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt just made me vajazzle all over myself. I'm pretty sure that someone needed to call bullshit and make her prove it.
  

As always if you want to contact me with questions or something I've completely omitted you can find me on facebook or twitter and via email at ryan.norton@cision.com . I try to get to the fan mail as it comes but it's really hard when all of the scantily clad photos from the BOTN devotees is cluttering up my inbox. Enjoy your weekend.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Lovely Lefties

Well the Sox did indeed sign another lefty like I was asking for. I say this like my pining for a southpaw had ANYTHING to do whatsoever with the signing but, tomato tomahto, let me have my fun. Brian Shouse is now a member of the hometown nine. And to show you how much they think of this signing they aren't even going to formally announce it. But what Shouse enables Terry Francona to put into play some better matchups when you're playing lefty heavy lineups like the Yankees. He doesn't have blow away stuff he'll try to finesse you from the side almost submarine style and usually keeps lefties at bay (.224 BAA last year). I suppose this is as good as your going to get via the free-agent market and hopefully he pans out but for some reason those lefty side winders really piss me off. How many times do you need to see Ortiz yank one off Damaso Marte or Javier Lopez give up piss rocket after frozen rope in the 8^th to give up the lead to realize you're bullpen should be mostly power. I want a lefty and I'm talking John Rocker style, who isn't going to take shit from no subway bitches and can come into the game in the 7^th or 8^th and close the door. All prejudice aside John Rocker was the SHIT on the bump. He's from the dirty south would you expect anything less.

Ben Sheets is said to be asking for 10 plus million dollars and in a year where he's coming off of an injury, a down economy, and he hasn't pitched in the Big Leagues since 2008 that may seem a bit outlandish. But I'm going to tell you that when healthy is one of the top 10 pitchers in baseball. And if you think of what CC, Roy, and Johan are making (just to name a few of them), 10 mil is chump change. Former manager Ned Yost said, "I've seen him with an IV in his arm 30 minutes before gametime and then go out and throw a shutout." You shittin' me? This guy is a horse and for the first time in 19 months he's COMPLETELY HEALTHY. The Cubs have been linked to him but the team that needs him the most is the Baltimore Orioles. They just acquired a number 2 pitcher posing as a Number 1 in Kevin Milwood and if they signed Sheets a true ace, with that young lineup, you could be looking at the 2007 Rays all over again. Ben Sheets would really earn his money in the AL East and I hope for the Red Sox sake they don't make a run at him but if they do you're not looking at 16 victories against them the next year.

As for the on-going Bash Brother saga Mark McGwire's only retort to Jose tea-bagging him with his comments from the other day was, "I'm not going to stoop down to his level." Are you for friggin' real? You need to man the fuck up and give it right back to this guy. You're Mark fucking McGwire! But I guess that doesn't mean much anymore does it? Zing.

Just when the Mets thought their team was shaping up to be a, we'll call it a contender for humor purposes because we know they will go on a 47 game losing streak in July, Carlos Beltran goes and gets surgery without telling the team or his agent. I may be a novice but, breach of contract anyone? Withholding information? The Mets should be FURIOUS. But on a positive note for us this should open up trade talks with Minaya (a genius among mere toads) for a Mike Lowell and Jacoby Ellsbury swap for David Wright. I realize that trade would NEVER happen but hear me out. Minaya is an imbecile. So his train of thought is:

• "Wow, I'm getting a guy that won a Gold Glove before! 2005 wasn't that long ago"
  
• "This very same guy won a World Series MVP! This will equal a World Series for our fans!"
  
• "Jacoby Ellsbury makes a liar out of UZR"
  
• "I'm also getting two players for one!"
  
• "I'm the smartest GM in the world!!!"
  

Make it happen Theo, Omar Minaya is counting on you!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

The Rebuttal

When Mark McGwire told Bob Costas that Jose Canseco's accusations about them "sticking eachother in the ass" with needles before games was completely false and that it was only a selling point to his book, you knew Canseco was going to come back and have something completely and utterly ruthless to say in return. Here's what he had to say:

"What McGwire has suffered, and I can say it straight to McGwire's face, is nothing, not even remote to what I've suffered, and he sits there and starts crying. Mark, *looks directly at camera coincidentally fucking Big Mac right in the corn shooter* There's no crying in baseball, you know that."

Wow, all I'm going to say is, wow. Well I guess that's not all I'm going to say but my next question is, how did Danny Bonaduce kick Jose Canseco's ass? That was one of the most pointed, bad ass, cock-diesel statements I've ever heard and he didn't even have to drop a, "fuck you" or a "Suck my dick".

Everyone knew that McGwire's story had holes, but to then be absolutely lambasted and have your dick drug in the dirt by Jose like this. Maybe this is the precursor to Jose's next celebrity fight club match and this was like the pre-match presser.

So my life was rather dull yesterday and I don't have any more side-splitting stories that are really going to wow you unless you really want to hear about the shit I had that looked strikingly like Chris Farley so, until tomorrow everyone!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

A S-MAC-K in the Face

Did ya miss me? Did ya, did ya did ya? Well you have got to be five-finger F-ing me, I neglect to post for one day and Big Mac comes to the plate and drops an absolute pot shot. FML. I have to say though I have known that Mark did this for quite a while, and I believe that he absolutely felt remorse for breaking Roger Maris' single season home run record, and I even believe that he wanted to say something to Congress on that fateful day on Capitol Hill but his lawyer instructed him not to. But for you to say that the steroids you imbibed, ingested, or injected (call it what you will) didn't help you to hit home runs and ONLY helped you to recuperate you're far a bigger poser than I ever thought.

I'll tell you that I (although 10 years old) was so enamored by everything that Mark McGwire did. He was to baseball what Mickey Mantle was back in the 50's and 60's. Pure bread American boy Power house that every kid wants to be. But when you took the steroids to stay on the field because of your 'obligation' that was enhancing your performance. The body that "god gave you" couldn't withstand the physical and mental grind of a 162 game baseball season (not many people can) and you needed some sort of supplement to aid you in staying on the field to hit those homeruns that you didn't need steroids for. I'll give you that you could hit home runs before you got to the major leagues, and you MAYBE (this is pushing it) only took the steroids for recovery tactics but along with getting on the field quicker you are gaining more power. Don't be an idiot. If you did it you did it. But please don't skate the issue. There were some things that I believed in this interview like the general repentance towards your fans and others that you have affected because you are the likeable guy that everyone loved. But as likeable as you are Jose Canseco, although slimy, has been the only one that has told 100% of the truth on all accounts thus far. So, I think I'm going to side with the other bash brother for the time being on playing butt darts with syringes before games.

In the end, I've said this time and time again, what McGwire did was bring baseball back into the limelight. It was still in the abyss of the strike shortened season, and there were no world changing story lines, and there was no one ready to step into the forefront. Big Mac did that and that catapulted baseball into the juggernaut that it is today. So when America's Pastime is back at the head of the sporting world is it really a bad thing? I don't think so.

Now that we got that out of the way I had something awkward happen to me yesterday while I was busy avoiding all of my readers. Ya know how when you go to the bank you can either pull up to the ATM or you can pull up to "tube-teller" I call it? Well, I pulled up as tight to the tube as possible because me, being poor, the window in my car doesn't work very well, and I can't get my clunker fixed so I need to be close to the tube so I don't have to be real ghetto and open the car door for my transaction. So I roll the window down almost ¾ of the way before it starts to scream at me like a hyena and reach for the canister (most canisters are different but this one looks like the one the Ninja Turtles were trying to keep away from The Shredder in "Secret of the Ooze". Then being the bumbling oaf that I am (Hey I've lost around 9 lbs so far so lay off!) I dropped the canister when I didn't turn it to fit in the (just big enough) window opening and I dropped it.

Now we have the issue, that I'm so close to the tube chute that I can't open the door. So I figure that the canister has fallen underneath my car but since there were no cars behind me I figured I'd just pull up some, then grab the canister and back up back to the tube. Well there was really nothing of this plan that came to fruition. It definitely fell under my car but what I couldn't see inside the car was that it was perfectly inline with my back wheel. I pulled forward and tried to open my door but was not far enough forward to open my door so I pull up some more and absolutely obliterate the canister. I crushed it like a fat kid stepping on a PEZ. Then when I go to grab it some joker comes FLYING up behind me to take my spot so now I can't back up to the tube. So now I'm picking up tons of plastic and I have the teller's in the bank laughing hysterically at me, and some douche bag that looks like Burl Ives has now commandeered my spot in line.

I finish picking up the pieces and pulled back around to cash the 35 $ check that I had set out to cash before this debacle. The teller looks me dead in the eye and tells me that the canister is about 35 dollars so he'll just take what I was going to cash and put it in the bank's bank account. I look at him with a blank stare and he starts heartily laughing (think Santa Claus) and then informs me he was joking. Everyone's a comedian.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday Rumblings

I know it's your favorite time of the week. Friday's Rumblings. I'm not going to waste your time with some lengthy, witty intro because I'm just not feelin' it today, so here's some more inner workings of the mind of a genius.

• Andre "The Hawk" Dawson belongs in the Hall of Fame and it's a crying shame it took this long!
  
• Speaking of egregious fuck ups, whomever didn't vote for Roberto Alomar should have their BBWAA license and HoF vote revoked.
  
• Never knew that Norv Turner's real name is Norval. Tell me his parents weren't hanging out in Opium dens.
  
• Hottie of the week: Katie Morgan. My palms are sweating and Levi's are rising just entering that hyperlink
  
• Really don't believe that Colt McCoy is going to do much in the NFL. I could be off-base but I'm going to compare him to Tim Hasselbeck.
  
• Have to believe there has not been a stupider decision than Gilbert Arenas' antics the last week and a half. (Yes I realize I said stupider)
  
• Weekly Random Show from Yesteryear:
  
• So in the revolving door that is Tiger Woods' sex life has now spit out the nugget that he is having gay sex. I think I speak for America when I not only throw up, but shudder continuously for like 15 minutes.
  
• On the topic of Tiger Woods, it has surfaced (semi-second hand via Pat Burns of all people) that Elin smashed him in the face with a 9-iron and he needed plastic surgery to fix the damage to his face. I realize cheating, and un-protected cheating is frowned upon, but where are the spousal abuse opponents now?
  
• I'm seriously wondering what kind of Kool-Aid Tony La Russa has drinking, but if he thinks a soon to be 47 year old Mark McGwire can be an end of the season pinch hitter, he's off his rocker. Maybe they should start drug testing the coaches? Course than you'd get Jim Leyland testing positive for massive amounts of Bourbon and eating babies for a pre-game meal.
  
• I have a new-found respect for Drew Brees when I found out how ashamed he was that felt he let down Ted Williams (his favorite athlete and reason for wearing #9) when he set the completion % record and didn't play the final game.
  

That's about all my brain can spew out today…sorry if you expected more from someone fueled by lettuce and greenbeans. For fuck's sake I'm like a Prius.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

60 Feet 6 Inches

For God knows how long now, I've been raving about reading the book 60 Feet 6 Inches, and by Jesus it did not disappoint. I mean honestly, a book written about Bob Gibson and Reggie Jackson bantering back and forth about the intricacies, nuances, and art forms that are pitching and hitting, how can you go wrong. Short answer: You Can't. Long answer You Mother F-ing Can't!

This book talks about both players trying to get established in the league in a racist era, talks about personal tribulations that they went through, different nemeses throughout their playing days, opinions on players in their era, opinions on players in this era, slandering bad players, praising the good, classic dialogue between two players that only the walls of Cooperstown should hear. This book was fan-fucking-tastic.

Now I never got to see EITHER of these players play. And I feel borderline-pissed off that I wasn't alive in their eras but after reading this book I left thinking Bob Gibson was more of a man than any pitcher in the history of baseball. One of the most bad ass things I've ever heard anyone say is when Reggie Jackson made a comment about all the "armor" and batters leaning out over the plate, Gibson retorted, "I don't care, I think I can break some of it." Not could, like when he was playing but can, like NOW. This guy probably still throws 96 mph ched-pieces with a knee buckling slider.

Reggie Jackson, in this book, came off as a bitter old man. Don't get me wrong, he is one of the most deserving Hall of Famers, and World Class Ballplayers there was but some of the ways he described things mostly his constant referrals to Derek Jeter were a bit contrived. Although hearing his descriptions about the hitting aspect of the book were quite informative and even insightful but he had to make everything into a pissing match about Black vs. White. Don't get me wrong that was absolutely an issue, but when Gibson's Era started it was much more prevalent and he isn't griping about until Reggie started about how hard it was being a black male in a supposed white man's game.

That being said, the conjecture between these two mega-super-duper stars is amazing. You really get a feel for what some of the other players that people my age didn't get to see like Willie McCovey supposedly having the most RAW power in history as a baseball player, Hank Aaron having the quickest hands that Gibson had ever seen, Mickey Lolich is one of the most underrated pitchers in history and he gave Reggie the most trouble out of anyone, and aside from Willie Mays; Curt Flood was revered as the best CF in the game. It's nice to hear new things about old superstars that you never got to see.

I'd recommend this book to any baseball enthusiast, sports nut, or someone that just wants to read about some pretty important people in the world of entertainment. With these two, you can't lose!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Hot Stove keeps on Burnin’

When I said the only move left was to give Mike Lowell the shaft, I forgot that Casey Kotchman was left out in the cold. But I have to worry no longer about what's going to happen to our favorite non-playing player on the team. He has been traded for a utility infielder, a minor leaguer, and cash. That is a brilliant move and it makes Lowrie not have to be the guy that we count upon until he can get healthy for a full season. Bill Hall is a poor (very poor) man's Mark Derosa, and now has his position cemented on this team. It's a minor deal in terms of names but it fills our roster and gives us a little pop on the bench.

Matt Holliday has signed with the Cardinals. As much as I pined for him, it was the right move for the Cardinals. Albert Pujols has publicly said he wants to come back IF and ONLY IF the Cardinals are committed to winning. Now there is NO ONE more dangerous than Albert Pujols, but the most dangerous person on the market was Matt Holliday and they signed him not only to enhance their lineup but increase their chances in extending the BEST FIRST BASEMAN IN HISTORY (Sorry Lou Gehrig). But this is going to affect St. Louis ( a semi-small market team) in the years to come when players like Pujols, or Carpenter, or Wainwright come close to free agency.

It would make sense that of those three players they will only be able to sign 2 of them…and one of them HAS to be Pujols, so then you need to choose between pitchers. Wainwright is younger and could have a longer shelf life which would seem to me the only decision to make which would put Carpenter on the Market when his deal is up without an eminent re-signing.

Ok, Now that we got all that stuff out of the way it's time to delve into the real issue of the day…Cravings.

For those of you that don't know, I'm on a diet. Partly because I am looking more and more like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and partly because the inner Matthew McConaughey in me is screaming, "Put down that last Ho-Ho". Take a step back for a second, my mother gave birth to me just after she turned 19 so needless to say money wasn't at a premium when I was knee high to a grasshopper. So, I grew up on Macaroni & Cheese, Ramen, and WonderBread (The whiter the bread, the sooner you're dead; or so they say). Now with this diet I can't have any of this because of the carbohydrates, no fast food *starts to cry*, no sweets *openly weeping*, and no soda *full blown sobbing like that Britney Spears fan*.

So last night while I'm once again annihilating all comers in Blokus, we were entertaining a few guests when the customary snacks were brought out. Cookies, chips, you name it they were on display. So while I sit there salivating like Pavlov's Dog, everyone else is enjoying a few sweets and shooting the breeze. I decide that I need to have a snack so I walk into the other room and I start rummaging through the refrigerator and when I finally plop back down with a container full of green beans, everyone looks at their cookies and other assortment of savory treasures and starts laughing at me. I suppose it's the time that I should say I was laughing too, but this diet shit is for the birds. Right now I am Big Bird so I'm going to need to stick to my seed and just keep my beak shut.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Opening Day Roster is All But Set.

Well, there you have it folks. Other than signing a couple arms for the bullpen (these will be mostly "no-namers" or journeymen) and trading Mike Lowell for a root canal to be named later. The signing of Adrian Beltre was not only genius but the cap off of our big moves in the offseason. So your lineup looks like this.

Ellsbury-LF

Pedroia-2B

Martinez-C

Youkilis-1B

Ortiz-DH

Beltre-3B

Drew-RF

Cameron-CF

Scutaro-SS

 

You may be looking at this lineup and think there is no uber-bopper that we have been coveting for the better part of 2 seasons. But what we did do is turn our lineup into a functional lineup, with NO glaring holes. In 2009, we had two automatic outs for the better part of the year with Varitek and *insert SS here*. What we now have is a lineup 1 through 9, that can produce good at bats. Yes, Beltre and Cameron will strike out. But Beltre has been a byproduct of SafeCo Field the last 4 years and should benefit with the short porch in left while Cameron takes his walks and is generally a patient hitter whom takes his walks. Given the length of contract and the relatively small salary I'd say we just stole Beltre and that you're looking at 20 HRs if not more playing half of your games at Fenway Park. He may hit about 15 points lower than Lowell but his defense and power and run production will far exceed anything Lowell has done in a Boston Uniform.

What this acquisition does do however is give us not just the best defensive ball club that I've seen in my lifetime. If Jacoby does in fact move to Left Field I'm willing to go as far as saying the best defensive team (on paper) in the history of baseball.

All of the people claiming that Theo has NOT done his job this offseason is COMPLETELY off-base. All of the Red Sox "Fan-boys" whom were clamoring for Bay to be brought back AND to keep Mike Lowell, clearly didn't pay attention last season. While they didn't necessarily cost us games, with those two players on the team we didn't get the job done and got swept out of the first round. Theo stuck to his guns with how much he wanted to spend on Bay and when Bay's agent said no, they moved on. So if you still think we are missing a LOT of offense we ALSO still have the pieces to pull a deal off for the impact bat that we need.

I am 100% on board with the off-season plan. There was no one on the market that could give us the pieces to be able to outslug the Yankees. Therefore we had to alter our approach to a more Moneyball-esque manor, if you will. Now saying that I realize that Moneyball was about OBP and finding hidden value in players but in the year 2010 the new On-base % is defense. Our defense was so abysmal last year that we needed to upgrade in 33% of our positions and we have done that, and then some. I like pitching and Defense much more than some pitching and power hitting. Hitting goes through slumps folks, defense doesn't. Let's put it this way, if defense is as important as I think it is, we could win around 100 games…Just sayin'.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Guilty Pleasures

Like a bad case (or any case for that matter) of herpes, I'm back. It's been a rough couple of weeks but don't you worry because we're back in full force with more hellacious analogies, and mind-numbing laughter that will make you guffaw so hard you'll probably be somewhat close to a pulmonary embolism.

Before we actually get into the point of this entry, Dick Clark, what the hell are you doing? I love you and all, your work on American Bandstand although my mother doesn't even remember it was timeless and iconic, but let's get real. You're 80 years old. You've had a stroke. You speak like Helen Keller. You are an unnatural shade of orange (Think Garfield). When counting down from 20 becomes a serious task or tongue twister if you will (14,12, 10,11,10,9) you may need to give Shady Acres Rest Home a call. I can honestly say that the end of 2009 went out with laughter, so for that Dickie, I thank you. But please hand the reigns over to Seacrest, whose uncanny snide remarks are rivaled only by Chris Berman.

Guilty Pleasures. Everyone has them. Whether you're pregnant and you like to eat potato chips with ketchup or if you secretly still listen to Clay Aiken everyday (I swear I'm not talking about me) everyone has vices. I have a few television shows that I probably shouldn't be watching given my age, responsibilities and sheer clout as a man but what can I say, I'm a sucker for a sexy senorita.

The Secret Life of an American Teenager- When I first got wind of this show it's because the love of my life was watching it but I would relegate her to the bedroom because I couldn't be bothered with that fodder. But when I caught a few seconds of an episode and realized, "Hey these girls are HOT!" (That's what I thought in my head) Then I caught an episode and realized that there was some real funny shit and real world stuff to deal with, I was hooked. I realize that all of these episodes take place in high school and they are portrayed as Sophomores and Juniors and that its very taboo saying "Wow, that high school girl could take a D", but I'd defend it by saying "EVERY one of the girls are at least 18 and are all completely "bang-able"" for lack of a better word. They have a "Downer" (I'm making up a slang term for Down Syndrome) whom makes me literally spit out whatever I'm drinking from the hilarious one liners. They have sluts, unprotected sex, and love triangles. Call me old fashioned, but aren't those the foundation of what America was made on? Oh, they aren't? Screw it, I like it and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Glee- I recognize that you will probably mercilessly ridicule me for this one, but I LOVE this show. I like people that can sing, hence why I also watch American Idol. Of course Sanjaya still doesn't count. You will probably compare me to one of the most notable characters on the show, Kurt Hummel, just for watching this show. (That was an indirect gay bash) There aren't as many hot females although Lea Michelle has that naughty Girl Next Door feel to her even though she is as prude as they come on the show. So I can't use that for an excuse. But the sub-plots in this winner with Girlfriends' sleeping (and getting pregnant) with boyfriends' best friends is always a crowd pleaser and faking pregnancies are always fun and I just have a sweetspot for anything and everything about this show. It's like what High School Musical wanted to be but with better singers and a better plot. So it's basically the EVIL High School Musical.

Nip/Tuck- I have watched this show since its inception and after seeing every controversial topic (from trannies, to midgets, to being raped in prison) tackled with reckless abandonment this show is more complete than ANY show in television history. It's had the gut check moments; it's had contentious moments, the funny and the sad. There are two main characters and they are both so different yet the same both dealing with Hamlet-like quandaries every episode and the soft core porn is the standard-setter for EVERY provocative show on television. In fact the director of this show directs the aforementioned Glee and I only expect MORE sex and MORE scandal in the years to come. But, this show is drawing to a close in March, and I for one am so distraught with the departure of my favorite show on television that I've had to resort to Jersey Shore. While it's great for mindless college age and slightly above kids it's really going to leave me at odds when I want to see some bimbo get a tit job.

Call me Elementary, call me a perv, but I love me some sex on TV shows, and I love me some skanks who love some sex. I call that being a red-blooded man. Sue Me.

Stay Tuned

Ryan