All Century Team

I'm going to freely, and openly admit that I watch an unhealthy amount of MLBTV. Lately with the season not yet underway they have played a LOT of old World Series games and biopics of different players. But what caught my eye was all the "All-Century Team" coverage. It got me thinking, I'd like to make a roster, not a 25 man because the 25 man roster includes relievers but 20 man including all the positional players, a DH, 5 starters, a closer, a collective OF (not positional) and 5 Bench players. I'm not going to include "relievers" other than the closer because that is a relatively new practice and it just doesn't seem right. You've got to have a Backup catcher, and the right players in order to fill out your 5 man bench that you would actually need for a season. It's actually pretty difficult and fun, you should try it!

Starting Lineup-

1. SS- Ernie Banks
   
2. LF- Ted Williams
   
3. CF- Willie Mays
   
4. DH- Babe Ruth
   
5. RF-Mikey Mantle
   
6. 1B-Lou Gehrig
   
7. 3B-Mike Schmidt
   
8. C-Johnny Bench
   
9. 2B Rod Carew
   

Starting Staff-

1. Bob Gibson
   
2. Walter Johnson
   
3. Christy Matthewson
   
4. Pedro Martinez
   
5. Randy Johnson
   

Closer-

1. Mariano Rivera
   

Bench-

1. Albert Pujols
   
2. Hank Aaron
   
3. Carlton Fisk
   
4. Cal Ripken Jr
   
5. Stan Musial
   

Alright, look at it, study it, take it all in. OK let's dissect. Shortstop was between Banks, Ripken, and Wagner for me. But Banks gets the nod in the starting lineup because Ripken has the SS/3B versatility off the bench.

Is anyone going to honestly argue any of my starting Outfielders. You have "The Greatest Player That's Ever Lived" (Mays), "The White Willie" as we'll call him (Mantle), and "The Greatest Hitter That's Ever Lived" in Ted Williams, there is no debate.

Was there ANY other logical choice for DH? You say home run or baseball, and what do most people think? Babe Ruth.

It was a toss-up for me between Gehrig and Pujols. A lot of people may be saying how could you leave off Killebrew or McCovey. I'll say this, either of these two men could be in Pujols spot, but the kind of plate command that Albert has puts him ahead of them (batting avg. aside) for me, even if he doesn't have the stats (yet).

Mike Schmidt to me was the most complete third baseman in the history of the game. George Brett and Brooks Robinson are close seconds but there is no one better than Mike Schmidt.

When you think of catchers or on-field leaders the quintessential player for that description was Johnny Bench from his inception into the league. His backups were between Berra, Fisk, and Ivan Rodriguez. I want defensive catcher's here people so Mike Piazza doesn't make the cut.

Second baseman was Rod Carew, there is no debate on this.

If I want any one pitcher in history to start one game it's Bob Gibson. There's my ace. When a dirtbag like Ty Cobb (just missed getting on the list by the way) says he was "the most powerful arm ever to be let loose in a ball park" Walter Johnson HAS to be my number 2. Christy Matthewson although most people I know never saw him he was the real deal and my number 3. Can anyone name a more dominating pitcher than Pedro Martinez on the Red Sox and Expos, I mean this guy flat out, outclassed everyone. Randy Johnson is the scariest mother fucker to EVER step onto the mound and he has to be on my list. I'm taking a leap leaving off names like Ryan, Koufax, Clemens, Carlton, Spahn and Marichal but can you really lose with ANY of these guys?

Closer, one syllable, Mo. Good 'nuff?

The TRUE all time Homerun King just barely makes it onto the bench being interchangeable with Ted Williams for me. Albert is a Gold Glover at the corner along with being one of the greatest hitters of all time. Cal is the 2^nd coming of the Iron Man and was a tremendous defensive player at third and Short. Fisk has to be the second person I would let run my pitching staff behind Bench. Stan "The Man" is one of only 3 players in baseball history to have over 6000 total bases in a career (The others? Mays and Aaron).

There you have it folks…What does yours look like?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Remodeling Isn’t Always Best

This may be slanderous, it may be heinous, it may be a slag that any self respecting Red Sox fan should NEVER make, but; I want a new ballpark.

I realize that most of you have stopped reading after that first sentence but check out my points here.

• Fenway is outdated- On a wet day you can see rats running along the walls to get to drier ground. Some of the obstructions are no longer "part of the game" with the newer architectural advances since the last turn of the century. Pillars in front of seats really should not play a part in your enjoyment of a baseball game yet they do, and instead of finally not having to add seats every year in order to accommodate more fans we could have a max capacity ball park to be proud of instead of a timeless yet dated classic.
  
• Revenue- I don't anticipate EVER bringing in as much revenue as does the team in the Bronx but look at what the Twins just did. Usually known as frugal spenders just increased their payroll to over 90 million just prior to moving into Target Field, and that's projected revenue, Imagine what this Red Sox marketing team could do.
  
• Essence- Fenway is one of the most revered sports venues in the World, and most people want to get that Fenway experience when they go to a ballpark. Easy. Look what the Yankees just did with their ballpark. It is a spitting image of the "old Yankee Stadium" except with more (expensive) seats and an overall nicer facility.
  
• Ease of access- Ya know, America is fat. Some people are complaining that some of the seats are not as "fan-friendly" as they could be. First off, I'll say eat a salad. Secondly, this could all be rectified with a new stadium and new revenue streams.
  

The Red Sox front office has come out and said that they put out a poll to see if Red Sox nation wanted a new stadium. And it was overwhelming that people did NOT. Well I for one never saw this poll, and if I did I would have gotten EVERY person I know to see it my way by Powerpoint presentation or good old fashioned blunt force trauma. But I am all for another poll to get this new arena for Red Sox Nation. I love you Fenway, you've done me well, but if we're getting rid of Lowell and his old body, you've dipped your last dip and spit your last seed.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Spring has Sprung

You better believe we're back in the baseball business baby. How bout that alliteration eh? Pitchers and Catchers have reported, and now all the position players are at the facility as well as well. You want optimism for a Sox fan in late February? How about Adrian Beltre droppin' head 5x in a row yesterday during BP. This guy is going to be a HUGE acquisition for the Red Sox this year, so much so that I think they could sign him to another contract in the offseason.

We do however have a couple-few quandaries entering camp.

• Mike Lowell- He is legit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Everyone knows he is going to be a consummate professional but how do the Red Sox distance themselves once again from the hometown discounted third sacker? Easy, You do essentially the same thing you did with Julio Lugo. Any prospect you get in return is a formality. The team your trading with knows that you have to get rid of him so you're paying at LEAST what you offered Texas (9-million of the 12-million he's supposed to make) and you're basically going to get damaged goods or a D+ level prospect in return. But in all honesty you don't need anything for a return its basically to save face when Lowell comes back and has a decent season for another team. You don't need anything for him because you have Adrian Beltre whom I'm guaranteeing hit's 30 round-trippers this season (you'll get the full predictions in about 2 weeks)
  
• 5^th spot in rotation- This is actually the 4^th and 5^th and it's an all out ball squeezing fight to the death between He Who Shall Not Be Named, Clay Buchholz and Tim Wakefield. He Who is coming off an injury and makes an ass-load of dough, Clay is the up and comer, and Tim feels he's entitled being the elder statesman. What to do? I realize that this won't be popular but if it were my team Clay would already have the 4^th spot LOCKED which means its between The Samurai and Father Time. I have to start Tim on the DL in this situation though. If Matsuzaka is proven healthy than he is the more viable option as a #5 starter on this team. That's not to say that Tim won't get his shots throughout the year but when you want to give all of the guys an extra day of rest Tim's your man you can do this every few weeks or so and also can split the bill in a double header along with fighting it out for the long man role with Boof Bonser. Sorry Timmeh, you're going to be 44 in August and your AARP card is probably going to be in your mailbox in May. It's been a good run.
  
• CF/LF conundrum- I need all the pink hats and Michael Holley to stand up and insert your foot into your mouths. It is 100% the right move to insert Jacoby Ellsbury into Left field when you have Mike Cameron on the team. He has played in 2 games in his career in Left field and Jacoby actually came up as a corner outfielder and eventually moved to Center. I understand the 40% of people that say 'why did we sign him in the first place' but the fact of the matter is, that he's here. Deal. I don't care that Ellsbury is younger than Cameron, Ellsbury's speed is the real reason that everyone thinks he's a good OF, when that's not all its cracked up to be. His arm is average to below average and will only be aided by playing left field in Fenway Park. Cameron has the stronger arm, the experience, and the hardware, it's his position Ellsbury can and will become a better CF in the future by watching Cameron do his thing.
  
• Revolving SS door- You'll note that I did NOT want the Red Sox to make a run at Marco Scutaro, and while I'm still not sold that he's going to put up the offensive numbers he did in '09 I think I was being a bit of a revisionist historian and am backing off my comments slightly. Historically SS has been a primarily defensive position despite the outliers (Banks, Jeter, Tejada etc) and Marco Scutaro is a plus defender. Being a baseball purist I should have said I don't care what he does offensively just don't boot the goddamn ball. And I think that's the outlook I'm going to have going forward. He is on The Back 9 in terms of his career and Jose "my hands are softer than Johnny Weir's" Iglesias is not just waiting in the wings but chomping at the bit. I realize that they've signed him for 2 years plus an option, but it would not AT ALL surprise me to see them have Scutaro be the SS for 2010 and provided that Iglesias has a good year in the Minors make Scutaro be the Super-Duper-Utility man for 2011 and hand over the reigns to the Next Ozzie Smith.
  
• Offensive Woes- People are worried that the offense has no pop. I'm not one of them. I think David Ortiz is going to have a much more productive year I'd the HR's and RBI's of last year are not unattainable but the avg will be closer to .270 than .240. Not having Varitek and Nick Green in the lineup every day will make a huge difference. And coupled with not watching Varitek kill every rally the Sox start you get a full season of Victor Martinez. 1-9 you don't have any easy outs this year, BIG improvement if you ask me.
  
• Stolen Bases- There are two schools of thought for the stolen base against. That it's the pitcher or the catcher. Last year it was both. Brad Penny had THE SLOWEST time to the plate and Varitek's pop-time to second base was ranked in the bottom 3 in the league. Beckett and Buchholz are Also very deliberate going home and EVERYONE runs on either Wakefield or Paul Byrd. That was hopefully alleviated with the signing of John Lackey. Not that he's quick to home, although he is light-years ahead of Penny, but not allowing as many runners on will nip that in the bud. Also V-Mart working an entire Spring Training with the living legend Gary Tuck will also help combat the horses.
  

I'll tell you, I really like this team.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Pseudo Rumblings

As most of you know 'Rumblings' usually inhabit Friday's blog. And while there will be a limited amount of bullet points for you're liking, you need to understand that these are the deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts in my mind. And since I didn't think too much this week, that makes for a very difficult blog post. So I figured afterwards, because I can't leave you with slop, I'll dissect the Tiger Interview. Good nuff? Shall we?

• So, Dante Stallworth has a job. And surprise, surprise, he is now with another murder, Ray Lewis. Rampant Ravens, anyone?
  
• I'm going to call out Simon Cowell and the rest of the American Idol Judges. They made a mistake. Shelby Dressel should have been in the 'Top 24'. Not only should she have been there because of her voice but Sex Sells suckas, and she's got my libido goin.
  
• I've decided that if you start ANY sentence with "Bitches be…" and then insert any verb or adjective it's hilarious. Bitches be shoppin' ala Dave Chappelle works great. Bitches be frontin' is one of my personal favorites. Try it out let me know what you come up with.
  
• As for 90's Show of the Week- I'm going to go with, Salute Your Shorts for only because I saw a movie that had "Donkey Lips" in it the other day. Camp Onawanna I've always had you in my heart.
  
• We're going to go with Anna Paquin for this week's Bombshell. I'd comment on her but I really need to clean up the mess that my uh, dog made. Yeah that my dog made. She's come a long way since Fly Away Home.
  

So I listened to the Tiger interview and I was for the most part impressed. He didn't deflect any blame whatsoever and genuinely acted with contrition when apologizing to his wife. There were a couple parts I don't believe for a second however:

"We have never had any domestic violence in our relationship"- Ahhh, the oldest trick in the book. Come to the defense of your wife so she doesn't wallop you with a 2^nd dose of nine iron. Well played. There is not a snowball's chance in hell that you look like that much shit and she didn't de-face your ass with that club. But I have to applaud the effort. Keep living the dream. As a small aside…check this picture. She rocked his shit, look under his nose, that scar didn't create itself. Honestly if you found out your significant other was popping other women like they were Skittles {insert 'Taste the Rainbow' joke here} not to mention unprotected, I'd go ape shit too. He should be lucky she didn't pull out a driver.

"I'm Buddhist"- Well fuck me sideways! That's what I needed to know! You're Buddhist, that explains everything. Give me a friggin break. I'm not sure about why anyone needed to know about how you were raised. Your discretions were clearly based on your fame now and I don't give a shit how Wing Wong Woods (his mother) raised him. If you want to go back to Shady Acres or whatever the hell the name of that Sex rehab place is go ahead…honestly I do not believe in sexual addiction; it's called evolution. Every guy is programmed to slay bitches, if you know what I mean. But when you're married you need to teach yourself to hone it in, if we can call it that. So honestly instead of going and throwing it in 7 hookers in a 45 minute period go cuff you're carrot until you go blind. Difficult to say when you have the means to have someone do it for you but honestly man.

Other than those two points I thought everything else was genuine. The anguish (not the scar) on his face looked real. And the anger he showed when addressing PED's, his kids, his wife and his mother seemed authentic as well. That's what I gathered but I'm also the same person that thought Rafael Palmiero was hands down telling the truth in front of Congress. Meh, that worked out well too eh?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Happy Spring Training!

Happy Spring Training Day Everyone. I'll have the blog on predictions towards the end of Spring Training, but It is good to see that Lackey looked strong, Beckett and Lester also looked good, and that Buchholz has been throwing regularly and putting on weight. That is precisely what Lester did 2 years ago too before he catapulted into the Top lefty in the American league status. But what about He Who Shall Not be Named, (Yup he's back on my shit list)? Friggin little douche bag is now sore from working out, here's an idea, lay off the sake and dumplings jack ass. And Timmah? Tim, as far as I've heard, looks stiff. I'm looking for him to start on the DL and then come through in May and spot start and then work in for Daisuke when he strains his ass muscle during warm-ups (don't laugh, his candy ass will do this.)

We have more important issues. Some chump decided it would be a good idea to take HIS plane and fly it into the IRS building. Are we for fucking real? That is so 2001. You got a problem with the IRS call Obama, he seems to have answers for everything. So he not only decides it's a good idea to put the lives at risk of other Americans but he's going to burn his house down in the process. Wow is this a joke? Honestly is this Shutter Island? My question is how does someone with OBVIOUS IRS problems own his own jet? Hmmm…

Then it comes to my attention that a "suspicious" package was dropped off at John Kerry's office building with "suspicious liquids" in it. It's probably alcohol, because we all know that Liberal's don't drink. I mean don't get me wrong I don't like John Kerry as much as the next guy but let's say this threat is real, what does this achieve? Alright the stand-in for Jay Leno just bit the bullet, well played, shmuck.

Then I hear about a fucking bomb threat on a plane supposedly heading to San Francisco. Holy shit America, who shit in your Wheaties? Everyone needs to take a step back and just take it down a notch. If anyone really needs to get a visit from the reaper its Tiger, and we're all friggin hand jobs and puppies about him right now. Wake up people, life sucks then ya die. Unless you're the writer for Bottom of the Ninth and your fame knows no bounds…Thanks for the 7 people that actually read this religiously. Now pardon me while I go run the train on (by myself)a bunch of nuns. Wow did i just say that?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Night in the Ruts

Really guys, Honestly? Talk about a punch right in the stones. I ask for 9 people. 9 goddamn people and you give me 1. Well hat-tip to you because you have successfully taken my ego down a notch but I'll build it back up…I'll leave it open, if you want to get in on the BOTN Fantasy Baseball League, Get at me via FB or signing the Blog and I'll create a league when I have 10. No more, no less…get it done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF6W3206l70

I had to weigh in on this because this is one of the most crazy, hilarious, bonkers thing I've ever seen in my life. Honestly…this may be what happens to Jose Canseco when he's 60 years old.

I'm going to give the full disclaimer that as ignorant as the white guy was for asking the black guy to shine his shoes, the black guy is 100% in the wrong here. The old man is clearly a wily old 'Nam vet and he will literally eat nails and piss excellence and doesn't want any part of any other color other than his baby blue "I'm a Mother Fucker" T-shirt.

He gave you full warning that, "you don't want to fuck with him" and then he backed up his word when he plowed through "Pinky". So what's the big deal now people? A white guy and a black guy can't get in a fight? The Black guy won't take no for an answer even when the White guy leaves his seat and goes up front and then gets his teeth crunched and starts 'leaking' like a civ.

A little more cause for concern is the after-clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5fnjFVPCek

I mean honestly this is some Howard Dean type screaming shit and he clearly has some deep seeded issues. Honest to god Santa, Post-Tramatic Stress much?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Can you Handle it?

Well, at least I know some people still read this…because the hits keep on a comin'. But one BOTN regular suggested (in the comment section even!) that we get an All-Star Cast of the BOTN readers and of course, me (which is obviously bad news for you all) and start a Fantasy Baseball League. We could even Name the league BOTN, because I'm really intuitive like that. Honestly though, I would be willing to put my reputation as baseball savant on the line against some of the normal folk…So if you're interested Leave it in the comments…the first 9 people to leave it in the comments will get to be in on this one and I will get everything set up and give you the League info after I set it up. Be there, or be a douche.

Ummm…yeah, about Saturday Night, I was a ruddy mess. (Spoken in my best Bill Lumbergh Voice) I'm not sure if it was the continuous Flip Cup competitions, 1/3 of a bottle of rum, or the heinous shots of Jack towards the end of the night it made for a wonderful night with friends with an unfortunate ending for my carpet.

After lambasting my Best-Man-To-Be for ralphing outside when successfully executing a 3-1 'shotgun' on a much weaker opponent (The First Lady) I proceed to pass out on the couch. Then, like a man possessed, I wake up and call up dinosaurs right on the carpet in which I need to move out of in a month. Sweet deal! I then spend the next 45 minutes praying to the porcelain gods, followed by a brief intermission into my bed only to be interrupted by another session of prayer. I didn't really eat much of anything all day either so yeah, straight alcohol coming back up, burnt like a sonofabitch.

On a lighter note, (this is a pun but you don't know it yet) I have started to see some serious results from the gym every morning. (Get it now?) So much so that when The First Lady was watching me get ready for work she exclaimed, "Wow, you're titties are gone!" This statement not only assures me that I am going to love married life, it also makes me happy and sad. Happy because my hard-body experiment is coming to fruition but sad that my once a month breast exams may have to go away. Tough break.

Remember for anyone that wants in to a fantasy league with me, leave it in the comments! The first 9 people to say they want in, are in, simple as that. The winner of the League will be getting a Bottom of the Ninth Hat paid for of course by the generous funds at BOTN. Alright sweet, looks like I'm buying myself a new hat in September.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday Rumblings

It's Truck day Motha truckers! The truck has left for Ft. Myers and the Youkka, Lester, and Paps are already down in FLA getting ready to toe the slab and club the pill. The level of intensity boiling up in my blood is crazy I mean seriously I feel like the Hulk…and that's not because I'm beginning to look like the actual Lou Ferrigno , moreso the whole chemical imbalance this is causing me. Anyways you guys know what time it is. RUMBLINGS!!!

• I'm wondering if Michael Irvin is going for a real-life version of The Longest Yard.
  
• Don't get me wrong I LOVE (LOVE) Jersey Shore, I love that the cast is coming back but how are you going to have a show called Jersey Shore outside of the Jersey Shore; ASININE.
  
• Last weekend someone told me that Charlie Sheen drove his car off a cliff and died. So I googled it and this is what I found…classic.
  
• I could just be spit-balling here but is there any logical reason why the Giants would not give Tim Lincecum ANYTHING he wants along with The owner's wife, mistress, daughter, bag of weed, Tie-died shirt, new beanie, and an album by The Gorrillaz.
  
• I ranted last week that the Gym played some pretty rank-ass music and this week I found out that the guy that sings I believe in Miracles, you Sexy thing, looks nothing like I thought.
  
• Just watched Couples Retreat and I have to say was not AT ALL impressed with Vince Vaughn. I was however dying at Jon Favreau, probably his best stuff since Rudy.
  
• In case you don't watch Secret Life, I will enlighten you my new phrase of the week. You can say it when you look in the mirror, talking to your significant other, or just when you see a flat out gorgeous person who's going out: "Grab a Condom." Flat out best compliment ever.
  
• In lieu of watching Couples Retreat, the Bombshell of the Week is going to Kristen Bell. No need for many words, "Do Me", will suffice.
  
• I'm not entirely sure what OneRepublic is, one minute they're Justin Timberlake the next minute they are Panic! At the Disco. Oh I get it you're one of those swift little transformation people like Faith Hill…touché.
  
• Random 90's TV Show- Are You Afraid of the Dark. I've never wanted to flat out shit my pants other than when some girl once told me she wanted to 'eat my heart', than when I used to watch this show when I was in like 3^rd grade. *shudders*
  
• My Fantasy teams this year are really High Risk High reward type teams...All of my pitching staffs are led by Jon Lester, but they are all also anchored by Jake Peavy, Rich Harden, Brandon Webb, and Ben Sheets. I've been talking about them for months, but if they don't come back from injuries like I'm projecting them too my staff will be reminiscent of Rolando Arrojo, Steve Avery, and Heathcliff Slocumb.
  

With baseball season upon us it's about time to start stocking back up on Captains (as if I wasn't already). It's about time I drink myself into oblivion again with some of my friends. Until Monday, BOTNers.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

It’s Inching Nearer

Everyone knows that when the Superbowl has ticked down to zero, its baseball season. But when it's really apparent to me is when my Yahoo Fantasy Baseball season can begin. Today it has begun and that ass-whooping that I am about to inflict upon my opposition is not only a virtual certainty, but…a…well I guess virtual certainty about covers it.

While I'll agree with most hardcore Fantasy Ballers in that the live draft gives you total control and you are the only one to blame. I also know that my managerial skills will in the end be heightened if I let someone else choose my team and then shit down everyone's throat. So I feel as if I should give you my sleeper/underrated player lineup that if given the opportunity you should really take a second glance and give a roster spot to these players. Let's go in order of position.

C-Ryan Doumit. He was injured last year and is just a year removed from hitting .318 with 15 hrs. He's only 29 and look for him to be one of the anchors in the Pirates lineup. He's a definite late rounder in a standard 10 team 23 round format you could pick him up anywhere between the 17^th and 20^th. This is only if you can't land the "3 Big M's" Mauer, Martinez, McCann. He's solid and would really boost your overall team average.

1B-Jorge Cantu. There are many other viable POWER options that you should be able to nab at first base but if you're looking for a bat off the bench you will want to choose Jorge. He gives you the 1B 3B flexibility and hit .289 with 16 hrs last year. Look for him to have a good year. He may be getting traded and it will most likely be to a smaller park which would only help his power numbers.

2B- Jose Lopez. After a down year last year most people will forget about the hitting display he put on at the WBC. He's definitely someone that you could use to start on your roster and if he doesn't pan out, look at Orlando Hudson. He's going to see a shit-ton of fastballs hitting in front of Mauer and he absolutely pastes them. He's going to hit over .300 and probably have 10-15 hrs.

3B- Adrian Beltre. He is EASILY the most Sleeperest of the sleepy's this year. He did nothing offensively last year even before he lost one of his testes. But he is going to absolutely pepper that wall and I'm slotting him for a .275 avg with 30 dingers and 85-90 RBI. If you're playing in a league with expanded stats and Fielding % is one of them he's a must have also as the best defensive 3^rd baseman in baseball.

SS- JJ Hardy. He had the worst year of his career last year but hitting behind Mauer and Morneau he's going to get a LOT of chances to drive in runs. He's still young and he could REALLY be in store for a HUGE year. I'm going with .270 23HRs 75RBI.

OF- Jay Bruce. He came on the year 2 years ago like a house on fire and had a shitfest for a year last year. He's going to hit 30 bombs and probably swipe some bags for you. I'd look for him in the rounds between 10-14.

OF- Carlos Quentin. He was a top 10 pick last year, don't forget about him. The plantar fasciitis is behind him and he's going to anchor the lineup for the White Sox. A small sleeper whom I've chosen every year for the past 3 years is Alex Rios, a change of scenery to start the year may do him good. Look for him to contribute well in the Chi.

OF-Carlos Gonzalez. He's playing in Colorado, and is the closest thing to Carlos Beltran at his age than any other player I've ever seen. He's going to have a BREAKOUT year. Get him on your bench in the 12-15 rd territory.

SP- Don't sleep on Ben Sheets, Brandon Webb, Tim Hudson, Jake Peavy and Rich Harden. They are a ways down on the lists because of injuries but all of them have front line stuff and you can get them in the middle rounds. You'll have a pretty dominant rotation if you buy low on these guys.

RP- Both the Atlanta free agent relievers are guys you can get in the late rounds…In a mock draft I got Mike Gonzalez (one of the highly sought after relievers) in the 21^st of 23 rounds and Soriano is going to absolutely flourish in Tampa Bay. Look for 35-40 saves from him you'll have to get him in the mid tier rounds around 15 if you want him on your roster.

It's that time again ladies and gents get these guys on youre team and may the force be with you.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Nothing Brewin'

Meh. You may be asking yourself, was that a word? No, it's an exclamation. say it out loud. That's how I feel. It's tough to get by in the world already given the economic climate but when people are deliberately trying to sabotage you're candidacy for supremacy in this world it must be time to step your game up. I'll be honest, when I go to work, I really don't slack. I come here to get shit done. Take names and kick ass, if you will. So when someone (not someone that really matters in the big scheme of things) calls my effectiveness into question it really makes me want to slap a ho.

Anyway, as you know Secret Life was last night and I'm usually glued to the TV. But there were other more pressing needs that held my attention. The Seven Saltine Challenge! Now it's kind of awesome to have someone that will NEVER say no to a dare, that way you either don't look stupid first or at least know said task can get done. Well I'm convinced that this task can't be done. Seven Saltines in a minute. Try it! I heard about it on the radio, and dared my Best-Man-To-Be to down that shit like Steve Phillips would a hooker.

The end result was nothing short of monumental. On the first attempt he tried all seven crackers at once. Not surprisingly, he fit all of them in his mouth, but watching him arduously attempt to chew this was funnier than watching a cow chew cud. And it never fails at about 55 seconds you're ready to start to swallow them and there just isn't enough time left. So, being the macho man that he is he needs 7 more. Only this time he has devised a plan to go in sort of a 3-4 combo (3 first and then the remaining 4). Seems logical. NAHT!

Same result as all 7 at about 55 seconds you're ready to swallow and ya can't do it. Usually at this point I would be esophagus deep in Saltines but i wasn't feeling good (aka I needed Immodium, need I say more) so The First Lady and BOTN regular Money Mike decided to try their hands along with BMTB (best man to be). Well, Money Mike and BMTB both looked like extras in Planet of the Apes, with their lips protruding out so far with Saltines, and The First Lady couldn't hold her Saltines in her mouth from laughter so much so that it looked like a bag of sawdust was dumped on my floor.

Well, "stomach bug" or not I couldn't not try it right? So we are now a sleeve and a half into this brand new box of Saltines and I decide to give it a go. I'm not sure what was worse actually eating the saltines or the desert/paste-filled oasis that my mouth became upon embarking on this little challenge. Needless to say I made it to the 55 second mark and faltered (like a champ I may add) but I will be attempting this again on my little Saturday night Fiesta at la casa de Norton. Along with the tablespoon of cinnamon and tablespoon of cocoa mix. Dare to dream.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Super Bowl Recap and the Eternal Debate

Who DAT, suckas! Damn't I wish I was betting on games again, I would have taken the Saints and the spread ALL DAY BABY. When everyone was in their Peyton love-fest for the last 2 weeks Drew Brees or "Breesus" as they say in the Dirty South, was festering and in turn thrusting himself into the forefront of the Brady/Manning top quarterback debate. Drew Brees is as good as ANY quarterback in the league right now, and if he can keep his offense somewhat together, he's going to win more "ships".

Was it just me or did The Who, absolutely blow balls? Look here, I appreciate what The Who was back in like the 70's and early 80's but there's something about parading 65+ year olds out to "rock the stage". Townshend's registered sex offender voice is shot, Daltrey looked like a cartoon character out there and couldn't hit the high notes when he wanted to. I never want to see legends take a nose dive, which is precisely why watching Papi's precipitous fall from grace last year was so hard for everyone, but why would anyone want to hear guys that flat out can't do it anymore. Massive fail.

The game was very entertaining. Unsung hero has to be that young kicker, whose name I can't recall, who grabbed the bull by the balls and said suck it with every booming kick he let out. Peyton was stymied by a defense that was a hybrid of 2004 New England Pats and 1999 Titans. For all the people that said they were happier to see the Colts lose rather than the Saints win are clearly oblivious to "the story". I'd give this Super Bowl a SOLID 8.

The life-long debate of Peyton or Tom, Mays or Mantle, Kobe or LeBron, and Ovechkin or Crosby is bested by only one eternal debate: The Jessica Quandary. I have recently been told that I am LUDICROUS for saying that Jessica Alba is hotter than Jessica Biel. First off, check out the two links so we can go through the checklist I guess I have to spell it out:

• To give Biel credit, I think she is a 100% better actress than Jessica Alba but, us men, we are not concerned about the peripherals, we want looks, T&A, and a sexy voice.
  
• While Biel may have the bigger rack those Supersize nip's ain't doin it for me. But the little Hershey Kisses that Alba is toting really get me jazzed.
  
• Biel has nice eyes, but the rest of her face makes me wonder if her mother and Mr. Ed had relations. Jessica Alba CLEARLY has the better mug shot here.
  
• I'm not gonna be that guy and say that Biel is fat because she isn't but Alba has a MUCH more tone physique than Biel on her best day.
  
• Jessica Biel's voice is also something that irks me. Think Fran Drescher meets Burgess Meredith. *shudders*
  
• Jessica Alba's voice one word: ORGASMIC
  

Is there really any other points that I'm missing? Open and shut case, no?

Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday’s Rumblings

I know I missed a post this week so I'm hoping that today's Rumblings will make up for that. So without further ado, let's get into my head from the past week, eh?

• Surprise, Surprise President Obama's approval rates plummet. Every deadline he has set so far has passed and he has failed. The economic crisis is NOT his fault but taking out billions after billions to pass your health care bill is only making our deficit look more and more insurmountable. Congratulations America, you voted for him. I did not.
  
• Not gonna lie to you, I never thought this "Man in Black" was going to be a "Man in an Orange Jumpsuit" Well played.
  
• Everyone remembers Michael's first rendition of The Moonwalk, or the first real crossover when Aerosmith joined forces with Run DMC, or Hendrix's spell-binding version of the Star-Spangled Banner, but, the spectacle that Pink displayed at the Grammy's last weekend could very well be the next iconic performance in this era. PS. When did I begin to want to rail her so badly?
  
• I've never really been a fan of Wyclef Jean, but I don't think I gave Sweetest Girl a chance, the lyrics are off the hook, flow is sick, and the message is really deep.
  
• What the hell happened to Craig David? This guy's voice alone get's more pussy than Tiger Woods. Thought he had staying power, what a trip.
  
• Can someone please Shoot Punxsutawney Phil? This little douche bag rodent keeps spittin' out bad news like it's his mo' fo'in job.
  
• Maybe my rap game is starting to come full circle, because I just watched Notorious and decided I needed a nickname, an entourage and some sick-ass beats. I think the BOTN Entourage will suffice (for now), I've been known to spit a few beats and have the occasional knock-your-socks-off freestyle, but a nickname? How about, Monotonous N-O-R-T? That'll do.
  
• I'm sick of all the hoopla surrounding Anna Kournikova (looks good never wins, am I right?), I'm bringing it back to yesteryear. Martina mother F-ing Hingis! This girl was a flat out dominator on the court and eliminator in my drawers. Atleast she won shit occasionally.
  
• So as most of you know I'm on a mission. Not only to get married to the First Lady, but to get absolutely Shredded. I've recently gotten a gym membership and I have to say the results are coming along NICELY. (I'll post pictures when I look more like Buff Bagwell) But I've got to say, if I EVER in my life hear these
  songs
  in succession again, I'm going to Yah mo' Burn That Place Down.
  
• If you're ever bored and want to die laughing, look up anything on urbandictionary.com , some of the funniest definitions you'll ever read, Might I suggest the "Screaming Seagull" or the "Alabama Hot Pocket". A brief disclaimer: if you have a weak stomach do not read.
  

Well, b'deep, b'deep, b'deep, b'deep, That's all folks.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Beckett Conundrum

In the wake of Justin Verlander getting himself a fat-ass payday, it left me thinking, "How does this affect Josh Beckett extension talks?"

To me, it doesn't affect it nearly as much as his statistical equal and best comparison-worthy teammate, John Lackey. John Lackey, is a year and a half older than Josh, and he just wrangled 82.5 million dollars out of Boston, the EXACT same as AJ Burnett did in the Bronx. So realistically that should be where Beckett's agent starts the conversation and if I were his agent I wouldn't budge from that number.

But, let's say that I am Theo and the Red Sox front office. You can't have Lackey and Beckett be eligible for Free Agency in the same year, you just can't do it…but you also have to take into account that Lester is signed through 2013 with an option (no-brainer) for 2014. So realistically you don't want to put he and Lackey in the same boat because at those ages, you're MOST LIKELY not going to want to sign either of them to any sort of deal more than a year at a time. You COULD put Lester and Beckett in the same year because given the age difference between the two they would obviously keep Lester barring some sort of injuries for #31 or some Herculean performances for 4+ years out of #19.

If I'm starting talks with Beckett I'm giving him 3 years Guaranteed with two option years, at the same price that Lackey is getting. You're unlikely to get a discount this go-round with JB, so the salary almost HAS to be the same unless your deal includes an escalating salary. So you could either go 16.5/yr for three years with a 17 and 18-million dollar options (have to give him something to sweeten the pot to sign a shorter guaranteed deal) or you could go 4 years at 16.5 mil with a mutual option for 2 different prices. Probably 18 for the team and 13 for the player. Something along those lines.

You would really have to play off that you plan on having him retire as a Red Sox, for him to sign the shorter deal, with a promise that you just want to allocate your funds each year so that you don't lose too many "Front-Line" starters at once. If I'm Beckett I go with the first deal. But what are your thoughts?

• 3 years (Guaranteed), 16.5 mil/yr with 2 player options (if he outperforms his current salary this will enable him to hit the market again at age 32)for 17-mil and 18-mil in consecutive years. {With Oblique and shoulder provisions of course}
  
• 4 years (guaranteed), 16.5 mil/yr with a mutual option for the team at 18 mil and himself at 14. {With Oblique and Shoulder provisions of course}
  

Would love to hear what you all think in the comments?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Baseball Movie Melee

I'd apologize for the lack of post yesterday, but I was literally answering phones and letters from all the single women that flooded my inboxes when they heard I was no longer on the market. Tough break. Anyway, like anything I usually say, something I posted on Facebook over the weekend drew some controversy and I figured I'd elaborate on it. Baseball Movies, there are some good ones, and let's face it there are some shit ass flicks. I'll give you my top 5 on both ends of the spectrum. Let's start with the bad news, because it can only get better from there right.

My number 5 WORST baseball movie is: Fever Pitch.

Look, I love the Sox. Hell I even have a strange obsession with them. But this movie was flat out not good. They casted a born and bred New Yorker to play a Sox fanatic, anyone else see the problem here? On an unrelated side note Drew Barrymore has not made a good film since ET, and that's only because she said 2 words in that one.

My number 4 WORST baseball movie is: Summer Catch.

This is the flick I was unfortunately watching this weekend, but it was only so that I could watch Yes, Man which was immediately following it. To be honest, this movie wasn't bad until the end. Freddie Prinze is tossing a no-no and he decides to take himself out of the game to chase after Jessica Biel? I MAY give you Jessica Alba, but not Jessica Biel she is just not THAT hot. Next time finish the game, pus-bag.

My number 3 WORST Baseball movie is: Rookie of the Year.

Other than the one-liners by the doctor (ala "Funky Butt-loving") this movie didn't bring much to the table at all. Thomas Ian Nicholas' voice the entire movie was like what comes out of a chicken if you were to step on its neck. And need I point out that Gary Busey has NEVER made a good movie?

My number 2 WORST Baseball movie is: Angels in the Outfield.

I'll respond to this in two ways. The best part of the movie Saw, was that Danny Glover was killed. Was he killed in this? No? Therefore, no good. And Tony Danza is your diamond in the rough. He then attempted to play the loveable guy again in The Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon, that worked out well.

The Number 1 WORST Baseball Movie is: Mr. 3000.

I have no words; this movie is flat out abysmal.

Sorry to bring you guys down a notch, but I'll give you the upper end of the spectrum.

My number 5 BEST baseball movie is: The Sandlot.

This movie not only embodies my childhood, but is iconic and infused with quotes and anecdotes that I still use to this day.

• You're Killin' Me Smalls
  
• The PF Flyers
  
• Wendy Peffercorn
  
• THE GREAT BAM-BEE-NO
  

Not only these timeless classics but if you want t a successful baseball movie, James Earl Jones needs to be in it. Bottom-line.

My number 4 BEST baseball movie is: 61*.

It is the only biopic on this list and for good reason. Barry Pepper and Thomas Jane played Maris and the Mick to a tee, and the baseball scenes were top-notch. Other than My Giant, has Billy Crystal ever made anything short of legendary.

My number 3 BEST baseball movie is: A League of Their Own.

Not only because this movie was the absolute-SHIT but when Jose Canseco calls out Mark McGwire using a line from you're movie you are AUTOMATICALLY slotted in my top 5. But seriously, Tom Hanks played the disgruntled, hard-nosed ex ball-player to a tee and Who doesn't like to see a young Madonna (Or a skinny Rosie?) in a skirt!

My number 2 BEST baseball movie is: Bull Durham.

This movie had the 3 B's that are essential in a baseball movie: Bitches, Booze, and Bombs. Kevin Costner was droppin F-Bombs and Big Fly's. Tim Robbins was throwin' pus and who doesn't love a small appearance by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor's brother, Marty as a struggling minor leaguer. Kevin Costner is like a smaller version of the "James Earl Jones defense" from a few movies ago. This shit was good, Meat.

Last but Not Least, my number 1 BEST baseball movie is: Field of Dreams.

As I've already said you need to have James Earl Jones sighting. Kevin Costner is also present. Then you're going to throw in Joe Jackson sprinkled in with some Moonlight Graham? May have been over the top with that whole walking in a cornfield thing. But this isn't heaven, It's Iowa!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

 

With This Ring, I Thee Wed

So I know all the ladies are wondering, probably borderline salivating, about how I proposed to the future First Lady. But there is a sort of disclaimer, I am poor. You can't judge based on monetary value of how I proposed. Just sentiment.

It all starts off with the Pre-story when dealing with the element of surprise. You have to 'set the mood', so to speak. So in passing the night before the big day we were talking about work and what I had to do the next day. With a bold-faced lie, reminiscent of Bill Clinton, I looked her in the eye and told her, "I'm so pissed, I have like 3 meetings ALL in the afternoon, this blows." So now I have a time that she won't call therefore won't question where I am. I also say this knowing that she goes grocery shopping in the morning and does some errands so that assures that I don't get many if any calls throughout the day. Genius I know, but the best has yet to come.

I actually did go to work, but only stayed for 3 hours. Why three hours, you ask? Had to kill time before Jared's opened, duh. But I also had to manage my time wisely because not only was the First Lady going to DeMoulas (you have to say DeMoulas instead of MB when you're about to take 'the plunge'), she was going to get a new camera which I strategically lined her up to get so that she would have it for Friday night. So, because I'm too important to do my own finances, I have a personal accountant (Thanks mom!) whom has to allot checks to us in order for us to take out money so that I don't go out on frivolous spending sprees and come home with Ducati after Gucci after any other Italian sounding thing.

So I plan the time that I leave to go get a check so that I don't run into her at our check dispensing site. Go grab a legit chunk of change to grab this little 'circle of trust' and then head back into P-Town to the Jewelry store. I go in there and tell them, "I'm here to boost the economy." I got a funny look, but I thought it was humorous. Then I purchase this ring and give they tell me, "Well, we'll size it, and you can pick it up in 3-5 days." The look of disgust on my face is literally impossible for me to put to words, so I said the first thing that came to my mind, "No, I'm going to pick it up tonight." The jeweler just looks at me and then goes and talks to the people working in the sizing station. She came back with good news, and I could pick it up around 5. Score one for the bad ass!

At this point it's almost noon and if my calculations were correct she should be leaving to go to {insert discount department store here} to get this new camera. So I figured, I'm going to stop and get a dozen roses along with the 6 bags of Sweethearts I already purchased (more on that to come). I figured I already bought a ring, got an oil change, a gym membership, a shit-ton of sweethearts, why not step up to the plate and throw a dozen roses on my running tab at the local flower shop (that was another lie, I don't have a running tab, but I figure I've lied so much the past few days leading up to one of the biggest days of my life what's a few more). I told them to have them done for the afternoon because I can't take them home right now. Cross off flowers off the checklist.

I pull into the house, and to my surprise, she is home, so on the fly I have to come up with yet another mistruth about why I'm home. I came up with some serious bullshit completely refuting the masterpiece I had already concocted about meetings all afternoon, but it was plausible so it got left alone. Score two for the bad ass! Suffering from malnourishment and exhaustion I sit on the couch with a sandwich and a piece of pink paper I thought was the receipt to the oil change, it wasn't, falls out of my sweatshirt pocket. She asks to see it, so I hand it over to verify my story. Upon opening the receipt she sees the dozen red roses and the price, but the kicker was that the employee at the flower shop, wrote the incorrect date of pickup on the receipt. So she thinks it has affirmed her suspicion that I would be proposing on Saturday when in actuality it was an inadvertent mix up that luckily helped me out. Score three for the home team!

You may be wondering aloud, "what the hell is he doing with these Sweethearts?" When she left for work I made the bed and started aligning the Sweethearts in such a way as to form words. Yes, you guessed it, I was writing my proposal in Sweethearts. But the difficult part wasn't writing how I felt, but actually keeping the 2-year-old away from the plethora of candy hearts when all he wants to do is charge like a rabid rhino, while holding his crying baby sister, proved to be the ultimate task. So now the bed reads, "I've loved you forever, Marry Me?" That doesn't seem like a long message but writing in candy hearts is a fucking bear, so deal.

Some time elapses and I now have the roses in my possession which have been laid on the bed, I have picked up the ring, and now I see the headlights pull into the parking lot, already standing I bolt into the bedroom followed by a bumbling toddler. When the door Opens, I play like I'm seeing our daughter do something funny, and my son took it upon himself to look out the door and point saying, "mamma look" while laughing incurably. So she presumably thinks that our baby girl has hit a developmental milestone, but all the while I have knelt before her and am presenting her with a ring. And to MY surprise, she said, "OMG THIS IS SO CUTE, YES!"

So the stars have aligned, Zeus has spoken, I have been blessed with the opportunity to marry the most beautiful and lucky woman in this world. I'm not sure if it's fitting, but "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!"

Stay Tuned

Ryan