Remodeling Isn’t Always Best

This may be slanderous, it may be heinous, it may be a slag that any self respecting Red Sox fan should NEVER make, but; I want a new ballpark.

I realize that most of you have stopped reading after that first sentence but check out my points here.

• Fenway is outdated- On a wet day you can see rats running along the walls to get to drier ground. Some of the obstructions are no longer "part of the game" with the newer architectural advances since the last turn of the century. Pillars in front of seats really should not play a part in your enjoyment of a baseball game yet they do, and instead of finally not having to add seats every year in order to accommodate more fans we could have a max capacity ball park to be proud of instead of a timeless yet dated classic.
  
• Revenue- I don't anticipate EVER bringing in as much revenue as does the team in the Bronx but look at what the Twins just did. Usually known as frugal spenders just increased their payroll to over 90 million just prior to moving into Target Field, and that's projected revenue, Imagine what this Red Sox marketing team could do.
  
• Essence- Fenway is one of the most revered sports venues in the World, and most people want to get that Fenway experience when they go to a ballpark. Easy. Look what the Yankees just did with their ballpark. It is a spitting image of the "old Yankee Stadium" except with more (expensive) seats and an overall nicer facility.
  
• Ease of access- Ya know, America is fat. Some people are complaining that some of the seats are not as "fan-friendly" as they could be. First off, I'll say eat a salad. Secondly, this could all be rectified with a new stadium and new revenue streams.
  

The Red Sox front office has come out and said that they put out a poll to see if Red Sox nation wanted a new stadium. And it was overwhelming that people did NOT. Well I for one never saw this poll, and if I did I would have gotten EVERY person I know to see it my way by Powerpoint presentation or good old fashioned blunt force trauma. But I am all for another poll to get this new arena for Red Sox Nation. I love you Fenway, you've done me well, but if we're getting rid of Lowell and his old body, you've dipped your last dip and spit your last seed.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Spring has Sprung

You better believe we're back in the baseball business baby. How bout that alliteration eh? Pitchers and Catchers have reported, and now all the position players are at the facility as well as well. You want optimism for a Sox fan in late February? How about Adrian Beltre droppin' head 5x in a row yesterday during BP. This guy is going to be a HUGE acquisition for the Red Sox this year, so much so that I think they could sign him to another contract in the offseason.

We do however have a couple-few quandaries entering camp.

• Mike Lowell- He is legit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Everyone knows he is going to be a consummate professional but how do the Red Sox distance themselves once again from the hometown discounted third sacker? Easy, You do essentially the same thing you did with Julio Lugo. Any prospect you get in return is a formality. The team your trading with knows that you have to get rid of him so you're paying at LEAST what you offered Texas (9-million of the 12-million he's supposed to make) and you're basically going to get damaged goods or a D+ level prospect in return. But in all honesty you don't need anything for a return its basically to save face when Lowell comes back and has a decent season for another team. You don't need anything for him because you have Adrian Beltre whom I'm guaranteeing hit's 30 round-trippers this season (you'll get the full predictions in about 2 weeks)
  
• 5^th spot in rotation- This is actually the 4^th and 5^th and it's an all out ball squeezing fight to the death between He Who Shall Not Be Named, Clay Buchholz and Tim Wakefield. He Who is coming off an injury and makes an ass-load of dough, Clay is the up and comer, and Tim feels he's entitled being the elder statesman. What to do? I realize that this won't be popular but if it were my team Clay would already have the 4^th spot LOCKED which means its between The Samurai and Father Time. I have to start Tim on the DL in this situation though. If Matsuzaka is proven healthy than he is the more viable option as a #5 starter on this team. That's not to say that Tim won't get his shots throughout the year but when you want to give all of the guys an extra day of rest Tim's your man you can do this every few weeks or so and also can split the bill in a double header along with fighting it out for the long man role with Boof Bonser. Sorry Timmeh, you're going to be 44 in August and your AARP card is probably going to be in your mailbox in May. It's been a good run.
  
• CF/LF conundrum- I need all the pink hats and Michael Holley to stand up and insert your foot into your mouths. It is 100% the right move to insert Jacoby Ellsbury into Left field when you have Mike Cameron on the team. He has played in 2 games in his career in Left field and Jacoby actually came up as a corner outfielder and eventually moved to Center. I understand the 40% of people that say 'why did we sign him in the first place' but the fact of the matter is, that he's here. Deal. I don't care that Ellsbury is younger than Cameron, Ellsbury's speed is the real reason that everyone thinks he's a good OF, when that's not all its cracked up to be. His arm is average to below average and will only be aided by playing left field in Fenway Park. Cameron has the stronger arm, the experience, and the hardware, it's his position Ellsbury can and will become a better CF in the future by watching Cameron do his thing.
  
• Revolving SS door- You'll note that I did NOT want the Red Sox to make a run at Marco Scutaro, and while I'm still not sold that he's going to put up the offensive numbers he did in '09 I think I was being a bit of a revisionist historian and am backing off my comments slightly. Historically SS has been a primarily defensive position despite the outliers (Banks, Jeter, Tejada etc) and Marco Scutaro is a plus defender. Being a baseball purist I should have said I don't care what he does offensively just don't boot the goddamn ball. And I think that's the outlook I'm going to have going forward. He is on The Back 9 in terms of his career and Jose "my hands are softer than Johnny Weir's" Iglesias is not just waiting in the wings but chomping at the bit. I realize that they've signed him for 2 years plus an option, but it would not AT ALL surprise me to see them have Scutaro be the SS for 2010 and provided that Iglesias has a good year in the Minors make Scutaro be the Super-Duper-Utility man for 2011 and hand over the reigns to the Next Ozzie Smith.
  
• Offensive Woes- People are worried that the offense has no pop. I'm not one of them. I think David Ortiz is going to have a much more productive year I'd the HR's and RBI's of last year are not unattainable but the avg will be closer to .270 than .240. Not having Varitek and Nick Green in the lineup every day will make a huge difference. And coupled with not watching Varitek kill every rally the Sox start you get a full season of Victor Martinez. 1-9 you don't have any easy outs this year, BIG improvement if you ask me.
  
• Stolen Bases- There are two schools of thought for the stolen base against. That it's the pitcher or the catcher. Last year it was both. Brad Penny had THE SLOWEST time to the plate and Varitek's pop-time to second base was ranked in the bottom 3 in the league. Beckett and Buchholz are Also very deliberate going home and EVERYONE runs on either Wakefield or Paul Byrd. That was hopefully alleviated with the signing of John Lackey. Not that he's quick to home, although he is light-years ahead of Penny, but not allowing as many runners on will nip that in the bud. Also V-Mart working an entire Spring Training with the living legend Gary Tuck will also help combat the horses.
  

I'll tell you, I really like this team.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Pseudo Rumblings

As most of you know 'Rumblings' usually inhabit Friday's blog. And while there will be a limited amount of bullet points for you're liking, you need to understand that these are the deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts in my mind. And since I didn't think too much this week, that makes for a very difficult blog post. So I figured afterwards, because I can't leave you with slop, I'll dissect the Tiger Interview. Good nuff? Shall we?

• So, Dante Stallworth has a job. And surprise, surprise, he is now with another murder, Ray Lewis. Rampant Ravens, anyone?
  
• I'm going to call out Simon Cowell and the rest of the American Idol Judges. They made a mistake. Shelby Dressel should have been in the 'Top 24'. Not only should she have been there because of her voice but Sex Sells suckas, and she's got my libido goin.
  
• I've decided that if you start ANY sentence with "Bitches be…" and then insert any verb or adjective it's hilarious. Bitches be shoppin' ala Dave Chappelle works great. Bitches be frontin' is one of my personal favorites. Try it out let me know what you come up with.
  
• As for 90's Show of the Week- I'm going to go with, Salute Your Shorts for only because I saw a movie that had "Donkey Lips" in it the other day. Camp Onawanna I've always had you in my heart.
  
• We're going to go with Anna Paquin for this week's Bombshell. I'd comment on her but I really need to clean up the mess that my uh, dog made. Yeah that my dog made. She's come a long way since Fly Away Home.
  

So I listened to the Tiger interview and I was for the most part impressed. He didn't deflect any blame whatsoever and genuinely acted with contrition when apologizing to his wife. There were a couple parts I don't believe for a second however:

"We have never had any domestic violence in our relationship"- Ahhh, the oldest trick in the book. Come to the defense of your wife so she doesn't wallop you with a 2^nd dose of nine iron. Well played. There is not a snowball's chance in hell that you look like that much shit and she didn't de-face your ass with that club. But I have to applaud the effort. Keep living the dream. As a small aside…check this picture. She rocked his shit, look under his nose, that scar didn't create itself. Honestly if you found out your significant other was popping other women like they were Skittles {insert 'Taste the Rainbow' joke here} not to mention unprotected, I'd go ape shit too. He should be lucky she didn't pull out a driver.

"I'm Buddhist"- Well fuck me sideways! That's what I needed to know! You're Buddhist, that explains everything. Give me a friggin break. I'm not sure about why anyone needed to know about how you were raised. Your discretions were clearly based on your fame now and I don't give a shit how Wing Wong Woods (his mother) raised him. If you want to go back to Shady Acres or whatever the hell the name of that Sex rehab place is go ahead…honestly I do not believe in sexual addiction; it's called evolution. Every guy is programmed to slay bitches, if you know what I mean. But when you're married you need to teach yourself to hone it in, if we can call it that. So honestly instead of going and throwing it in 7 hookers in a 45 minute period go cuff you're carrot until you go blind. Difficult to say when you have the means to have someone do it for you but honestly man.

Other than those two points I thought everything else was genuine. The anguish (not the scar) on his face looked real. And the anger he showed when addressing PED's, his kids, his wife and his mother seemed authentic as well. That's what I gathered but I'm also the same person that thought Rafael Palmiero was hands down telling the truth in front of Congress. Meh, that worked out well too eh?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Happy Spring Training!

Happy Spring Training Day Everyone. I'll have the blog on predictions towards the end of Spring Training, but It is good to see that Lackey looked strong, Beckett and Lester also looked good, and that Buchholz has been throwing regularly and putting on weight. That is precisely what Lester did 2 years ago too before he catapulted into the Top lefty in the American league status. But what about He Who Shall Not be Named, (Yup he's back on my shit list)? Friggin little douche bag is now sore from working out, here's an idea, lay off the sake and dumplings jack ass. And Timmah? Tim, as far as I've heard, looks stiff. I'm looking for him to start on the DL and then come through in May and spot start and then work in for Daisuke when he strains his ass muscle during warm-ups (don't laugh, his candy ass will do this.)

We have more important issues. Some chump decided it would be a good idea to take HIS plane and fly it into the IRS building. Are we for fucking real? That is so 2001. You got a problem with the IRS call Obama, he seems to have answers for everything. So he not only decides it's a good idea to put the lives at risk of other Americans but he's going to burn his house down in the process. Wow is this a joke? Honestly is this Shutter Island? My question is how does someone with OBVIOUS IRS problems own his own jet? Hmmm…

Then it comes to my attention that a "suspicious" package was dropped off at John Kerry's office building with "suspicious liquids" in it. It's probably alcohol, because we all know that Liberal's don't drink. I mean don't get me wrong I don't like John Kerry as much as the next guy but let's say this threat is real, what does this achieve? Alright the stand-in for Jay Leno just bit the bullet, well played, shmuck.

Then I hear about a fucking bomb threat on a plane supposedly heading to San Francisco. Holy shit America, who shit in your Wheaties? Everyone needs to take a step back and just take it down a notch. If anyone really needs to get a visit from the reaper its Tiger, and we're all friggin hand jobs and puppies about him right now. Wake up people, life sucks then ya die. Unless you're the writer for Bottom of the Ninth and your fame knows no bounds…Thanks for the 7 people that actually read this religiously. Now pardon me while I go run the train on (by myself)a bunch of nuns. Wow did i just say that?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Night in the Ruts

Really guys, Honestly? Talk about a punch right in the stones. I ask for 9 people. 9 goddamn people and you give me 1. Well hat-tip to you because you have successfully taken my ego down a notch but I'll build it back up…I'll leave it open, if you want to get in on the BOTN Fantasy Baseball League, Get at me via FB or signing the Blog and I'll create a league when I have 10. No more, no less…get it done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF6W3206l70

I had to weigh in on this because this is one of the most crazy, hilarious, bonkers thing I've ever seen in my life. Honestly…this may be what happens to Jose Canseco when he's 60 years old.

I'm going to give the full disclaimer that as ignorant as the white guy was for asking the black guy to shine his shoes, the black guy is 100% in the wrong here. The old man is clearly a wily old 'Nam vet and he will literally eat nails and piss excellence and doesn't want any part of any other color other than his baby blue "I'm a Mother Fucker" T-shirt.

He gave you full warning that, "you don't want to fuck with him" and then he backed up his word when he plowed through "Pinky". So what's the big deal now people? A white guy and a black guy can't get in a fight? The Black guy won't take no for an answer even when the White guy leaves his seat and goes up front and then gets his teeth crunched and starts 'leaking' like a civ.

A little more cause for concern is the after-clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5fnjFVPCek

I mean honestly this is some Howard Dean type screaming shit and he clearly has some deep seeded issues. Honest to god Santa, Post-Tramatic Stress much?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Can you Handle it?

Well, at least I know some people still read this…because the hits keep on a comin'. But one BOTN regular suggested (in the comment section even!) that we get an All-Star Cast of the BOTN readers and of course, me (which is obviously bad news for you all) and start a Fantasy Baseball League. We could even Name the league BOTN, because I'm really intuitive like that. Honestly though, I would be willing to put my reputation as baseball savant on the line against some of the normal folk…So if you're interested Leave it in the comments…the first 9 people to leave it in the comments will get to be in on this one and I will get everything set up and give you the League info after I set it up. Be there, or be a douche.

Ummm…yeah, about Saturday Night, I was a ruddy mess. (Spoken in my best Bill Lumbergh Voice) I'm not sure if it was the continuous Flip Cup competitions, 1/3 of a bottle of rum, or the heinous shots of Jack towards the end of the night it made for a wonderful night with friends with an unfortunate ending for my carpet.

After lambasting my Best-Man-To-Be for ralphing outside when successfully executing a 3-1 'shotgun' on a much weaker opponent (The First Lady) I proceed to pass out on the couch. Then, like a man possessed, I wake up and call up dinosaurs right on the carpet in which I need to move out of in a month. Sweet deal! I then spend the next 45 minutes praying to the porcelain gods, followed by a brief intermission into my bed only to be interrupted by another session of prayer. I didn't really eat much of anything all day either so yeah, straight alcohol coming back up, burnt like a sonofabitch.

On a lighter note, (this is a pun but you don't know it yet) I have started to see some serious results from the gym every morning. (Get it now?) So much so that when The First Lady was watching me get ready for work she exclaimed, "Wow, you're titties are gone!" This statement not only assures me that I am going to love married life, it also makes me happy and sad. Happy because my hard-body experiment is coming to fruition but sad that my once a month breast exams may have to go away. Tough break.

Remember for anyone that wants in to a fantasy league with me, leave it in the comments! The first 9 people to say they want in, are in, simple as that. The winner of the League will be getting a Bottom of the Ninth Hat paid for of course by the generous funds at BOTN. Alright sweet, looks like I'm buying myself a new hat in September.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday Rumblings

It's Truck day Motha truckers! The truck has left for Ft. Myers and the Youkka, Lester, and Paps are already down in FLA getting ready to toe the slab and club the pill. The level of intensity boiling up in my blood is crazy I mean seriously I feel like the Hulk…and that's not because I'm beginning to look like the actual Lou Ferrigno , moreso the whole chemical imbalance this is causing me. Anyways you guys know what time it is. RUMBLINGS!!!

• I'm wondering if Michael Irvin is going for a real-life version of The Longest Yard.
  
• Don't get me wrong I LOVE (LOVE) Jersey Shore, I love that the cast is coming back but how are you going to have a show called Jersey Shore outside of the Jersey Shore; ASININE.
  
• Last weekend someone told me that Charlie Sheen drove his car off a cliff and died. So I googled it and this is what I found…classic.
  
• I could just be spit-balling here but is there any logical reason why the Giants would not give Tim Lincecum ANYTHING he wants along with The owner's wife, mistress, daughter, bag of weed, Tie-died shirt, new beanie, and an album by The Gorrillaz.
  
• I ranted last week that the Gym played some pretty rank-ass music and this week I found out that the guy that sings I believe in Miracles, you Sexy thing, looks nothing like I thought.
  
• Just watched Couples Retreat and I have to say was not AT ALL impressed with Vince Vaughn. I was however dying at Jon Favreau, probably his best stuff since Rudy.
  
• In case you don't watch Secret Life, I will enlighten you my new phrase of the week. You can say it when you look in the mirror, talking to your significant other, or just when you see a flat out gorgeous person who's going out: "Grab a Condom." Flat out best compliment ever.
  
• In lieu of watching Couples Retreat, the Bombshell of the Week is going to Kristen Bell. No need for many words, "Do Me", will suffice.
  
• I'm not entirely sure what OneRepublic is, one minute they're Justin Timberlake the next minute they are Panic! At the Disco. Oh I get it you're one of those swift little transformation people like Faith Hill…touché.
  
• Random 90's TV Show- Are You Afraid of the Dark. I've never wanted to flat out shit my pants other than when some girl once told me she wanted to 'eat my heart', than when I used to watch this show when I was in like 3^rd grade. *shudders*
  
• My Fantasy teams this year are really High Risk High reward type teams...All of my pitching staffs are led by Jon Lester, but they are all also anchored by Jake Peavy, Rich Harden, Brandon Webb, and Ben Sheets. I've been talking about them for months, but if they don't come back from injuries like I'm projecting them too my staff will be reminiscent of Rolando Arrojo, Steve Avery, and Heathcliff Slocumb.
  

With baseball season upon us it's about time to start stocking back up on Captains (as if I wasn't already). It's about time I drink myself into oblivion again with some of my friends. Until Monday, BOTNers.

Stay Tuned

Ryan