It’s Inching Nearer

Everyone knows that when the Superbowl has ticked down to zero, its baseball season. But when it's really apparent to me is when my Yahoo Fantasy Baseball season can begin. Today it has begun and that ass-whooping that I am about to inflict upon my opposition is not only a virtual certainty, but…a…well I guess virtual certainty about covers it.

While I'll agree with most hardcore Fantasy Ballers in that the live draft gives you total control and you are the only one to blame. I also know that my managerial skills will in the end be heightened if I let someone else choose my team and then shit down everyone's throat. So I feel as if I should give you my sleeper/underrated player lineup that if given the opportunity you should really take a second glance and give a roster spot to these players. Let's go in order of position.

C-Ryan Doumit. He was injured last year and is just a year removed from hitting .318 with 15 hrs. He's only 29 and look for him to be one of the anchors in the Pirates lineup. He's a definite late rounder in a standard 10 team 23 round format you could pick him up anywhere between the 17^th and 20^th. This is only if you can't land the "3 Big M's" Mauer, Martinez, McCann. He's solid and would really boost your overall team average.

1B-Jorge Cantu. There are many other viable POWER options that you should be able to nab at first base but if you're looking for a bat off the bench you will want to choose Jorge. He gives you the 1B 3B flexibility and hit .289 with 16 hrs last year. Look for him to have a good year. He may be getting traded and it will most likely be to a smaller park which would only help his power numbers.

2B- Jose Lopez. After a down year last year most people will forget about the hitting display he put on at the WBC. He's definitely someone that you could use to start on your roster and if he doesn't pan out, look at Orlando Hudson. He's going to see a shit-ton of fastballs hitting in front of Mauer and he absolutely pastes them. He's going to hit over .300 and probably have 10-15 hrs.

3B- Adrian Beltre. He is EASILY the most Sleeperest of the sleepy's this year. He did nothing offensively last year even before he lost one of his testes. But he is going to absolutely pepper that wall and I'm slotting him for a .275 avg with 30 dingers and 85-90 RBI. If you're playing in a league with expanded stats and Fielding % is one of them he's a must have also as the best defensive 3^rd baseman in baseball.

SS- JJ Hardy. He had the worst year of his career last year but hitting behind Mauer and Morneau he's going to get a LOT of chances to drive in runs. He's still young and he could REALLY be in store for a HUGE year. I'm going with .270 23HRs 75RBI.

OF- Jay Bruce. He came on the year 2 years ago like a house on fire and had a shitfest for a year last year. He's going to hit 30 bombs and probably swipe some bags for you. I'd look for him in the rounds between 10-14.

OF- Carlos Quentin. He was a top 10 pick last year, don't forget about him. The plantar fasciitis is behind him and he's going to anchor the lineup for the White Sox. A small sleeper whom I've chosen every year for the past 3 years is Alex Rios, a change of scenery to start the year may do him good. Look for him to contribute well in the Chi.

OF-Carlos Gonzalez. He's playing in Colorado, and is the closest thing to Carlos Beltran at his age than any other player I've ever seen. He's going to have a BREAKOUT year. Get him on your bench in the 12-15 rd territory.

SP- Don't sleep on Ben Sheets, Brandon Webb, Tim Hudson, Jake Peavy and Rich Harden. They are a ways down on the lists because of injuries but all of them have front line stuff and you can get them in the middle rounds. You'll have a pretty dominant rotation if you buy low on these guys.

RP- Both the Atlanta free agent relievers are guys you can get in the late rounds…In a mock draft I got Mike Gonzalez (one of the highly sought after relievers) in the 21^st of 23 rounds and Soriano is going to absolutely flourish in Tampa Bay. Look for 35-40 saves from him you'll have to get him in the mid tier rounds around 15 if you want him on your roster.

It's that time again ladies and gents get these guys on youre team and may the force be with you.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Nothing Brewin'

Meh. You may be asking yourself, was that a word? No, it's an exclamation. say it out loud. That's how I feel. It's tough to get by in the world already given the economic climate but when people are deliberately trying to sabotage you're candidacy for supremacy in this world it must be time to step your game up. I'll be honest, when I go to work, I really don't slack. I come here to get shit done. Take names and kick ass, if you will. So when someone (not someone that really matters in the big scheme of things) calls my effectiveness into question it really makes me want to slap a ho.

Anyway, as you know Secret Life was last night and I'm usually glued to the TV. But there were other more pressing needs that held my attention. The Seven Saltine Challenge! Now it's kind of awesome to have someone that will NEVER say no to a dare, that way you either don't look stupid first or at least know said task can get done. Well I'm convinced that this task can't be done. Seven Saltines in a minute. Try it! I heard about it on the radio, and dared my Best-Man-To-Be to down that shit like Steve Phillips would a hooker.

The end result was nothing short of monumental. On the first attempt he tried all seven crackers at once. Not surprisingly, he fit all of them in his mouth, but watching him arduously attempt to chew this was funnier than watching a cow chew cud. And it never fails at about 55 seconds you're ready to start to swallow them and there just isn't enough time left. So, being the macho man that he is he needs 7 more. Only this time he has devised a plan to go in sort of a 3-4 combo (3 first and then the remaining 4). Seems logical. NAHT!

Same result as all 7 at about 55 seconds you're ready to swallow and ya can't do it. Usually at this point I would be esophagus deep in Saltines but i wasn't feeling good (aka I needed Immodium, need I say more) so The First Lady and BOTN regular Money Mike decided to try their hands along with BMTB (best man to be). Well, Money Mike and BMTB both looked like extras in Planet of the Apes, with their lips protruding out so far with Saltines, and The First Lady couldn't hold her Saltines in her mouth from laughter so much so that it looked like a bag of sawdust was dumped on my floor.

Well, "stomach bug" or not I couldn't not try it right? So we are now a sleeve and a half into this brand new box of Saltines and I decide to give it a go. I'm not sure what was worse actually eating the saltines or the desert/paste-filled oasis that my mouth became upon embarking on this little challenge. Needless to say I made it to the 55 second mark and faltered (like a champ I may add) but I will be attempting this again on my little Saturday night Fiesta at la casa de Norton. Along with the tablespoon of cinnamon and tablespoon of cocoa mix. Dare to dream.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Super Bowl Recap and the Eternal Debate

Who DAT, suckas! Damn't I wish I was betting on games again, I would have taken the Saints and the spread ALL DAY BABY. When everyone was in their Peyton love-fest for the last 2 weeks Drew Brees or "Breesus" as they say in the Dirty South, was festering and in turn thrusting himself into the forefront of the Brady/Manning top quarterback debate. Drew Brees is as good as ANY quarterback in the league right now, and if he can keep his offense somewhat together, he's going to win more "ships".

Was it just me or did The Who, absolutely blow balls? Look here, I appreciate what The Who was back in like the 70's and early 80's but there's something about parading 65+ year olds out to "rock the stage". Townshend's registered sex offender voice is shot, Daltrey looked like a cartoon character out there and couldn't hit the high notes when he wanted to. I never want to see legends take a nose dive, which is precisely why watching Papi's precipitous fall from grace last year was so hard for everyone, but why would anyone want to hear guys that flat out can't do it anymore. Massive fail.

The game was very entertaining. Unsung hero has to be that young kicker, whose name I can't recall, who grabbed the bull by the balls and said suck it with every booming kick he let out. Peyton was stymied by a defense that was a hybrid of 2004 New England Pats and 1999 Titans. For all the people that said they were happier to see the Colts lose rather than the Saints win are clearly oblivious to "the story". I'd give this Super Bowl a SOLID 8.

The life-long debate of Peyton or Tom, Mays or Mantle, Kobe or LeBron, and Ovechkin or Crosby is bested by only one eternal debate: The Jessica Quandary. I have recently been told that I am LUDICROUS for saying that Jessica Alba is hotter than Jessica Biel. First off, check out the two links so we can go through the checklist I guess I have to spell it out:

• To give Biel credit, I think she is a 100% better actress than Jessica Alba but, us men, we are not concerned about the peripherals, we want looks, T&A, and a sexy voice.
  
• While Biel may have the bigger rack those Supersize nip's ain't doin it for me. But the little Hershey Kisses that Alba is toting really get me jazzed.
  
• Biel has nice eyes, but the rest of her face makes me wonder if her mother and Mr. Ed had relations. Jessica Alba CLEARLY has the better mug shot here.
  
• I'm not gonna be that guy and say that Biel is fat because she isn't but Alba has a MUCH more tone physique than Biel on her best day.
  
• Jessica Biel's voice is also something that irks me. Think Fran Drescher meets Burgess Meredith. *shudders*
  
• Jessica Alba's voice one word: ORGASMIC
  

Is there really any other points that I'm missing? Open and shut case, no?

Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Friday’s Rumblings

I know I missed a post this week so I'm hoping that today's Rumblings will make up for that. So without further ado, let's get into my head from the past week, eh?

• Surprise, Surprise President Obama's approval rates plummet. Every deadline he has set so far has passed and he has failed. The economic crisis is NOT his fault but taking out billions after billions to pass your health care bill is only making our deficit look more and more insurmountable. Congratulations America, you voted for him. I did not.
  
• Not gonna lie to you, I never thought this "Man in Black" was going to be a "Man in an Orange Jumpsuit" Well played.
  
• Everyone remembers Michael's first rendition of The Moonwalk, or the first real crossover when Aerosmith joined forces with Run DMC, or Hendrix's spell-binding version of the Star-Spangled Banner, but, the spectacle that Pink displayed at the Grammy's last weekend could very well be the next iconic performance in this era. PS. When did I begin to want to rail her so badly?
  
• I've never really been a fan of Wyclef Jean, but I don't think I gave Sweetest Girl a chance, the lyrics are off the hook, flow is sick, and the message is really deep.
  
• What the hell happened to Craig David? This guy's voice alone get's more pussy than Tiger Woods. Thought he had staying power, what a trip.
  
• Can someone please Shoot Punxsutawney Phil? This little douche bag rodent keeps spittin' out bad news like it's his mo' fo'in job.
  
• Maybe my rap game is starting to come full circle, because I just watched Notorious and decided I needed a nickname, an entourage and some sick-ass beats. I think the BOTN Entourage will suffice (for now), I've been known to spit a few beats and have the occasional knock-your-socks-off freestyle, but a nickname? How about, Monotonous N-O-R-T? That'll do.
  
• I'm sick of all the hoopla surrounding Anna Kournikova (looks good never wins, am I right?), I'm bringing it back to yesteryear. Martina mother F-ing Hingis! This girl was a flat out dominator on the court and eliminator in my drawers. Atleast she won shit occasionally.
  
• So as most of you know I'm on a mission. Not only to get married to the First Lady, but to get absolutely Shredded. I've recently gotten a gym membership and I have to say the results are coming along NICELY. (I'll post pictures when I look more like Buff Bagwell) But I've got to say, if I EVER in my life hear these
  songs
  in succession again, I'm going to Yah mo' Burn That Place Down.
  
• If you're ever bored and want to die laughing, look up anything on urbandictionary.com , some of the funniest definitions you'll ever read, Might I suggest the "Screaming Seagull" or the "Alabama Hot Pocket". A brief disclaimer: if you have a weak stomach do not read.
  

Well, b'deep, b'deep, b'deep, b'deep, That's all folks.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Beckett Conundrum

In the wake of Justin Verlander getting himself a fat-ass payday, it left me thinking, "How does this affect Josh Beckett extension talks?"

To me, it doesn't affect it nearly as much as his statistical equal and best comparison-worthy teammate, John Lackey. John Lackey, is a year and a half older than Josh, and he just wrangled 82.5 million dollars out of Boston, the EXACT same as AJ Burnett did in the Bronx. So realistically that should be where Beckett's agent starts the conversation and if I were his agent I wouldn't budge from that number.

But, let's say that I am Theo and the Red Sox front office. You can't have Lackey and Beckett be eligible for Free Agency in the same year, you just can't do it…but you also have to take into account that Lester is signed through 2013 with an option (no-brainer) for 2014. So realistically you don't want to put he and Lackey in the same boat because at those ages, you're MOST LIKELY not going to want to sign either of them to any sort of deal more than a year at a time. You COULD put Lester and Beckett in the same year because given the age difference between the two they would obviously keep Lester barring some sort of injuries for #31 or some Herculean performances for 4+ years out of #19.

If I'm starting talks with Beckett I'm giving him 3 years Guaranteed with two option years, at the same price that Lackey is getting. You're unlikely to get a discount this go-round with JB, so the salary almost HAS to be the same unless your deal includes an escalating salary. So you could either go 16.5/yr for three years with a 17 and 18-million dollar options (have to give him something to sweeten the pot to sign a shorter guaranteed deal) or you could go 4 years at 16.5 mil with a mutual option for 2 different prices. Probably 18 for the team and 13 for the player. Something along those lines.

You would really have to play off that you plan on having him retire as a Red Sox, for him to sign the shorter deal, with a promise that you just want to allocate your funds each year so that you don't lose too many "Front-Line" starters at once. If I'm Beckett I go with the first deal. But what are your thoughts?

• 3 years (Guaranteed), 16.5 mil/yr with 2 player options (if he outperforms his current salary this will enable him to hit the market again at age 32)for 17-mil and 18-mil in consecutive years. {With Oblique and shoulder provisions of course}
  
• 4 years (guaranteed), 16.5 mil/yr with a mutual option for the team at 18 mil and himself at 14. {With Oblique and Shoulder provisions of course}
  

Would love to hear what you all think in the comments?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Baseball Movie Melee

I'd apologize for the lack of post yesterday, but I was literally answering phones and letters from all the single women that flooded my inboxes when they heard I was no longer on the market. Tough break. Anyway, like anything I usually say, something I posted on Facebook over the weekend drew some controversy and I figured I'd elaborate on it. Baseball Movies, there are some good ones, and let's face it there are some shit ass flicks. I'll give you my top 5 on both ends of the spectrum. Let's start with the bad news, because it can only get better from there right.

My number 5 WORST baseball movie is: Fever Pitch.

Look, I love the Sox. Hell I even have a strange obsession with them. But this movie was flat out not good. They casted a born and bred New Yorker to play a Sox fanatic, anyone else see the problem here? On an unrelated side note Drew Barrymore has not made a good film since ET, and that's only because she said 2 words in that one.

My number 4 WORST baseball movie is: Summer Catch.

This is the flick I was unfortunately watching this weekend, but it was only so that I could watch Yes, Man which was immediately following it. To be honest, this movie wasn't bad until the end. Freddie Prinze is tossing a no-no and he decides to take himself out of the game to chase after Jessica Biel? I MAY give you Jessica Alba, but not Jessica Biel she is just not THAT hot. Next time finish the game, pus-bag.

My number 3 WORST Baseball movie is: Rookie of the Year.

Other than the one-liners by the doctor (ala "Funky Butt-loving") this movie didn't bring much to the table at all. Thomas Ian Nicholas' voice the entire movie was like what comes out of a chicken if you were to step on its neck. And need I point out that Gary Busey has NEVER made a good movie?

My number 2 WORST Baseball movie is: Angels in the Outfield.

I'll respond to this in two ways. The best part of the movie Saw, was that Danny Glover was killed. Was he killed in this? No? Therefore, no good. And Tony Danza is your diamond in the rough. He then attempted to play the loveable guy again in The Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon, that worked out well.

The Number 1 WORST Baseball Movie is: Mr. 3000.

I have no words; this movie is flat out abysmal.

Sorry to bring you guys down a notch, but I'll give you the upper end of the spectrum.

My number 5 BEST baseball movie is: The Sandlot.

This movie not only embodies my childhood, but is iconic and infused with quotes and anecdotes that I still use to this day.

• You're Killin' Me Smalls
  
• The PF Flyers
  
• Wendy Peffercorn
  
• THE GREAT BAM-BEE-NO
  

Not only these timeless classics but if you want t a successful baseball movie, James Earl Jones needs to be in it. Bottom-line.

My number 4 BEST baseball movie is: 61*.

It is the only biopic on this list and for good reason. Barry Pepper and Thomas Jane played Maris and the Mick to a tee, and the baseball scenes were top-notch. Other than My Giant, has Billy Crystal ever made anything short of legendary.

My number 3 BEST baseball movie is: A League of Their Own.

Not only because this movie was the absolute-SHIT but when Jose Canseco calls out Mark McGwire using a line from you're movie you are AUTOMATICALLY slotted in my top 5. But seriously, Tom Hanks played the disgruntled, hard-nosed ex ball-player to a tee and Who doesn't like to see a young Madonna (Or a skinny Rosie?) in a skirt!

My number 2 BEST baseball movie is: Bull Durham.

This movie had the 3 B's that are essential in a baseball movie: Bitches, Booze, and Bombs. Kevin Costner was droppin F-Bombs and Big Fly's. Tim Robbins was throwin' pus and who doesn't love a small appearance by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor's brother, Marty as a struggling minor leaguer. Kevin Costner is like a smaller version of the "James Earl Jones defense" from a few movies ago. This shit was good, Meat.

Last but Not Least, my number 1 BEST baseball movie is: Field of Dreams.

As I've already said you need to have James Earl Jones sighting. Kevin Costner is also present. Then you're going to throw in Joe Jackson sprinkled in with some Moonlight Graham? May have been over the top with that whole walking in a cornfield thing. But this isn't heaven, It's Iowa!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

 

With This Ring, I Thee Wed

So I know all the ladies are wondering, probably borderline salivating, about how I proposed to the future First Lady. But there is a sort of disclaimer, I am poor. You can't judge based on monetary value of how I proposed. Just sentiment.

It all starts off with the Pre-story when dealing with the element of surprise. You have to 'set the mood', so to speak. So in passing the night before the big day we were talking about work and what I had to do the next day. With a bold-faced lie, reminiscent of Bill Clinton, I looked her in the eye and told her, "I'm so pissed, I have like 3 meetings ALL in the afternoon, this blows." So now I have a time that she won't call therefore won't question where I am. I also say this knowing that she goes grocery shopping in the morning and does some errands so that assures that I don't get many if any calls throughout the day. Genius I know, but the best has yet to come.

I actually did go to work, but only stayed for 3 hours. Why three hours, you ask? Had to kill time before Jared's opened, duh. But I also had to manage my time wisely because not only was the First Lady going to DeMoulas (you have to say DeMoulas instead of MB when you're about to take 'the plunge'), she was going to get a new camera which I strategically lined her up to get so that she would have it for Friday night. So, because I'm too important to do my own finances, I have a personal accountant (Thanks mom!) whom has to allot checks to us in order for us to take out money so that I don't go out on frivolous spending sprees and come home with Ducati after Gucci after any other Italian sounding thing.

So I plan the time that I leave to go get a check so that I don't run into her at our check dispensing site. Go grab a legit chunk of change to grab this little 'circle of trust' and then head back into P-Town to the Jewelry store. I go in there and tell them, "I'm here to boost the economy." I got a funny look, but I thought it was humorous. Then I purchase this ring and give they tell me, "Well, we'll size it, and you can pick it up in 3-5 days." The look of disgust on my face is literally impossible for me to put to words, so I said the first thing that came to my mind, "No, I'm going to pick it up tonight." The jeweler just looks at me and then goes and talks to the people working in the sizing station. She came back with good news, and I could pick it up around 5. Score one for the bad ass!

At this point it's almost noon and if my calculations were correct she should be leaving to go to {insert discount department store here} to get this new camera. So I figured, I'm going to stop and get a dozen roses along with the 6 bags of Sweethearts I already purchased (more on that to come). I figured I already bought a ring, got an oil change, a gym membership, a shit-ton of sweethearts, why not step up to the plate and throw a dozen roses on my running tab at the local flower shop (that was another lie, I don't have a running tab, but I figure I've lied so much the past few days leading up to one of the biggest days of my life what's a few more). I told them to have them done for the afternoon because I can't take them home right now. Cross off flowers off the checklist.

I pull into the house, and to my surprise, she is home, so on the fly I have to come up with yet another mistruth about why I'm home. I came up with some serious bullshit completely refuting the masterpiece I had already concocted about meetings all afternoon, but it was plausible so it got left alone. Score two for the bad ass! Suffering from malnourishment and exhaustion I sit on the couch with a sandwich and a piece of pink paper I thought was the receipt to the oil change, it wasn't, falls out of my sweatshirt pocket. She asks to see it, so I hand it over to verify my story. Upon opening the receipt she sees the dozen red roses and the price, but the kicker was that the employee at the flower shop, wrote the incorrect date of pickup on the receipt. So she thinks it has affirmed her suspicion that I would be proposing on Saturday when in actuality it was an inadvertent mix up that luckily helped me out. Score three for the home team!

You may be wondering aloud, "what the hell is he doing with these Sweethearts?" When she left for work I made the bed and started aligning the Sweethearts in such a way as to form words. Yes, you guessed it, I was writing my proposal in Sweethearts. But the difficult part wasn't writing how I felt, but actually keeping the 2-year-old away from the plethora of candy hearts when all he wants to do is charge like a rabid rhino, while holding his crying baby sister, proved to be the ultimate task. So now the bed reads, "I've loved you forever, Marry Me?" That doesn't seem like a long message but writing in candy hearts is a fucking bear, so deal.

Some time elapses and I now have the roses in my possession which have been laid on the bed, I have picked up the ring, and now I see the headlights pull into the parking lot, already standing I bolt into the bedroom followed by a bumbling toddler. When the door Opens, I play like I'm seeing our daughter do something funny, and my son took it upon himself to look out the door and point saying, "mamma look" while laughing incurably. So she presumably thinks that our baby girl has hit a developmental milestone, but all the while I have knelt before her and am presenting her with a ring. And to MY surprise, she said, "OMG THIS IS SO CUTE, YES!"

So the stars have aligned, Zeus has spoken, I have been blessed with the opportunity to marry the most beautiful and lucky woman in this world. I'm not sure if it's fitting, but "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!"

Stay Tuned

Ryan