Painting the Corners

Alright, I'll gladly take the verbal beating that I have coming to me after not posting for damn near a month. But I'm hoping that this post at least nullify the urge to cut off my blogging balls for at least a little while. Now being that the economy is in shambles and I clearly don't wipe my ass with crisp 100 dollar bills, I need to find a way to make a little extra money on the side, and I was a little tired from selling myself on the corner from the night before that I thought painting would be a relaxing alternative.

So bright and early on Sunday morning I'm slapping the latex on (wow that doesn't sound right) a door and frame. Because the door has to stay open, I was basically sitting in their house the entire time, thus being able to overhear (not eavesdrop because I'm 100% focused on painting) everything going on in the living room. Let me preface by saying, the reason that I'm painting/installing this door is because the guy broke his leg in like 5 places and is hobbling around on crutches. Back to the Present. I recognize a familiar theme song on the television and I couldn't quite put my finger on it until the shows tagline came on, let's see if you can guess before the tagline: "You say you want to be a player. But your wheels ain't fly. You gotta hit us up, to get a pimped out ride. PIMP MY RIDE!!!" I'll say first, 2004 called and they want their 1992 Celica back. Second, does Xzibit do anything anymore? Third, are there no more cars in the world to fix 'cause I have a 98 Grand Am that could use a little paint, can you throw a brotha a bone?

It wasn't really the fact that they were watching this show it was the commentary and silly banter between the homeowners that came along with it. At one point I think I heard: "Is there ever any white people on this show? Or at least a white person that isn't trying to be black?" This induced a loud snort but I played it off as a "snough" or sneeze cough that sort of sounded like I was hacking up an anvil. But could that not be more true?

The second thing was the SLAYING of Xzibit. "God damn, this guy looks like Scooby Doo with Corn rows." I actually had to get up and go outside and laugh my ass off because that is probably the most accurate thing I've ever heard, and the fact that they were watching a show that shows music videos and blasts X's name everywhere all over the show and they had no idea who he is cracks me up.

The last thing, was this guy who is clearly a car guy as evidenced by the Fast and the Furious type car sitting in the garage I was drooling over. He made a comment about how "those wheels are garbage, but I think we should put those doors on your (his wife's) car." Then she made some sort of snide remark and you could hear him run-crutching around to try to catch her but she was just running away. And I was like, what kind of cold heartless woman does that to a clearly broken man. Woman needs to be taught a lesson. Straight crutch to the crotch sounds about right, k thanks.

April Showers Bring May Power

Just when you thought it was safe to write the Red Sox off. They turn in essentially a weeks' worth of DOMINATING starting performances, John Lackey Aside, and win 5 of their last 6 to put them only 2.5 games out of a wildcard spot. I realize that May hasn't even ended yet but Tampa looks to be on a collision course with Destiny to win the AL East, so I think the Wildcard would be a solid goal at this point.

Who was this Daisuke Matsuzaka guy that pitched on Saturday, and when did we sign him. I remember this other Japanese guy that every fifth day sort of Rollie-Pollied his way out to the mound for about 3 and 2/3 innings and after 700 pitches he'd call it a day. But whomever this guy was. I like him. No I don't just like him I respect him. The real question though is what to do behind the plate when MatsuWalka starts. The splits between the two catchers per start is downright scary. Dice-K's ERA is under 1 when Varitek catches him and over 7 when Martinez catches him. Francona won't put a stamp on "personal catchers" but what other choice does he have at this point? Every time Varitek catches him all of his pitches seem to have extra life, bite, and break and he dominates teams. We almost have no choice but to get the most out of what I was/am almost ready to call a bust. But if he can turn this season into a respectable 15-win affair, I have no choice but to call it a success thus far and last season was an aberration.

Tim, Timmy, Timmah, who's got the keys to my Beamah? I'm not going to lie I went in thinking we had to take the first two games of the Philadelphia series because I was saying there is absolutely no way Shakey Wakey was going to out duel Doc, but holy Christ did Wakefield just teabag the shit out of the Phillies lineup yesterday. 8 MASTERFUL innings. I honestly thought he was too old to get out there and walk up the dugout steps 8 times a game let alone pitch that well. So this is pitching depth eh? I like it a lot *said in my Bruce Almighty voice*.

Remember how I said that the Yankees would finally show their age? Bitch what's up now. They are in a horrible tailspin lately with Posada out over a month, Rivera was banged up but he's back to being immortal, Jeter is struggling for the first time in YEARS at the plate. And Pettite is VERY hittable despite his sterling numbers. Teixeira isn't hitting, and now fortunately for the Sox, he's pressing. He's trying to swing too hard to hit 6 home runs with one swing and its killing him every time. The Best player on their team right now is Robinson Cano, whom I ever so slyly picked to win the AL Batting Title, and that's not good since he's your 9^th highest paid player. They are going to fall and it could be soon, since the rest of the league is starting to figure out CC. Burnett is hit or miss and will be until he starts losing velocity. He'll go out there with no-hit capability every time he steps out on the mound but when you get to him you'll get to him hard. Phil Hughes however has finally lived up to the hype that was surrounding him for the better part of 5 years. He's dominating out on the mound and he's pitching like the ace of the staff.

We now end our tumultuous 13 game stretch of playing all playoff caliber/Division leading teams with the Rays before our schedule lightens up immensely and we can really get back into this division. But we're going to go out there with Buchholz Lester and Lackey. Our 3 best pitchers all things considered thus far and if we can take 2 out of 3, we will be in phenomenal shape. We would have gone 8-5 in our most difficult stretch of the season and that's pretty impressive considering the quality of opponents that we played in the last 2 weeks. And I'm back on the Wildcard Bandwagon.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

This Bathroom Has Serious Issues

Ok for everyone that has read this blog you know about the serious problem I have with people not knowing bathroom etiquette. When I say "bathroom etiquette" I mean go in there, pull out your shmeckle or drop your dockers and do your business and get the fuck out. There are no pleasantries needed in a bathroom because for the most part everything that happens in the facilities isn't all that pleasant. I like to think of the bathroom in the same way some douche bag would treat his women: Get in, Get off, Get out. Obviously I don't mean go into the bathroom and pull pud, but get in there and Nike man, just do it.

So today's excursion sort of starts like any other day. I'm sitting at my desk when the sensation arises that I need to use 'the Loo'. Hindsight being 20/20 that was just the beginning of my problems. I make the long arduous trip outside the office and open the bathroom door. I walk in to some cock block staring at me with a smile reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in Batman. As alarming, and awkward as this is what happens next was simply mortifying. He looked at me while holding his sausage and gave me a wave that some guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy would do when the designer walks in. Ya know a sort of, "TootleLoo". I mean I wanted to slap the fabulous right out of this guy just for acknowledging my presence in a bathroom but you're going to do that. I'm all for pretending to act all Ross from Friends (If he's not gay, he should be) when I'm in my inner circle just because it funny but this guy took it up a notch. I may be reaching in saying this guy wasn't retarded but it's only because he had a Bluetooth on bigger than most cucumbers. So, I might be going out on a limb when I say I doubt this guy has Downs' or Aspbergers. So what exactly was this guys deal?

So now, completely flabbergasted, I go into my stall. I'm doing what I set out to do and this guy walks in and starts hocking a loogie. This is not some regular "hock-tuey" this is as if he's trying to get an anvil from his esophagus and then after about 10 seconds of hocking you just hear this massive thud like you dropped a ten pound weight on a hollow floor. And I broke my vow of silence, essentially rule number 1, and dropped a, "are you fucking kidding me". The guy just chortled. I say chortled because he sounded like a fat guy. And doesn't 'chortled' just sound like something a fat guy would do?

Just so that I don't get my nuts cut off I realize that I've been lax when it has came to posting of late, but I really don't see the need to reiterate the fact that the Sox are playing more like a 7 year old, girls, Special Ed softball team more than need be. But I'm going to see Joe Mauer on Wednesday. I'm not going to see the Red Sox. I'm going to see Joe Mauer and the Twins because despite a non-ace on the team they still play the shit out of the game. But here's my dilemma. Last year I had tickets to see the Rays for Opening Day but I had taken the day off ahead of time so this game had to be played that day. On the way down on the train I check my phone and the goddamn Boston Globe has OPENING DAY CANCELLED, all over the front page. Now the weather this week is by and large optimistic, except for the one friggin day that I have tickets for the Red Sox. There's a 50% chance of showers and every other day doesn't even say so much as partly cloudy. You gotta be five finger, finger-blasting me. Ugh.

But in case you wanted the wisdom of one blogger what do the Sox need to do to win. There are a few things.

• Get Ellsbury and Cameron back in the lineup because running out Darnell McDonald, Bill Hall and Jonathan Van Every is really exposing the Red Sox. Because McDonald crushes fastballs but can't hit offspeed if he knew it was coming (which he clearly doesn't), as for Bill Hall there's a reason that the Brewers cut bait with him and Van Every is nothing more than a 9^th inning pinch runner especially in the AL East. Bill Hall while versatile is such a liability with his bat that ANY call up would be better as long as they can play infield short and 3B.
  
• The Scott Schoenweis Experiment has been an abomination. He has no life on his fastball, no break on his breaking pitches and looks like a little leaguer with Babe Ruth at the plate every time he humps the rubber. Call up a minor leaguer. I don't care which one, they couldn't be any worse than Schoenweis is.
  
• Very soon, teams will either come down to earth or fall out of contention. Something has to be done…This team needs a 3 and a 5 hitter. Victor Martinez is doing his best Ortiz impression and he looks like a mess at the plate. I don't know who you can get…but you need to get people to produce.
  
• The DH situation needs to be rectified. Pick one. And get rid of the other one. Ortiz is hot now and is getting around on balls he wasn't just 2 weeks ago. It doesn't matter what you get back for either player you need to get rid of one because it is painstakingly obvious that it's causing a nuisance in the clubhouse. Honestly I'd like to get rid of both of them. But I don't' think there's any way you eat 24 million dollars for one year.
  
• This run prevention thing is a great theory. But this group of players, hasn't made it happen. Don't believe me…check out these stats…it's frightening.
  

If these things get rectified the team will make a run. If they don't you're looking at an 82 win team…let's see the sell out streak then…yikes.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

How do you know when you’ve had a bad day?

So here on the Seacoast in the big town of New Hampshire it is a windy day. I will even go out on a limb and call it downright blustery. I'm not sure the exact criteria to qualify for gale force winds but let's just say, Shit was turbulent.

Have you ever just watched and marveled at the stupidity of people. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Some people collect bottle caps, Tiger Woods pounds vag, I watch and make fun of stupid people. Well when I decided to leave a local eatery (he says wiping the Baconator off his mouth) I noticed a man probably mid 20's with a painting ensemble on. And being a former painter I did NOT envy him on these days where the wind is legitimately blowing harder than any Helen Hunt movie. But he's out there watching papers blow by at a pretty disgusting clip, and you can tell he's thinking, "Goddamn this shit is moving pretty fast."

So naturally what do you think this bonehead did next? He spits this Ace Ventura like load straight into the wind and we all know what happens. That shit hit him STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. I'm talking some like Family Double Dare, Pie in the Face, D in the A embarrassment and you're probably thinking, "I hope you offered him a hanky." Nope I pointed, laughed and nearly fell off the curb doubled over in laughter. It was the ultimate face scrape of shame while he was trying to squeegee the saliva and mucus off of his face. Classic.

On a baseball note, Jon Lester, HEEEEEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. He clearly already turned his calendar to May when he railed Toronto with a donkey punch yesterday to the tune of 1 hit through 7 innings. He is locked in now. I'm proclaiming it. He found his sea legs and now will be going on one of those runs that separates the men from the boys, as he carves up opposing lineups. Look out world Lester is back with his fucking stick, or arm.

So I've been thinking and I may have to eat some words. No not the public disfiguring of Manny DelCarmen that still stands true. But the whole not being on Clay Buchholz bandwagon brigade has set sail. I did agree that it was his spot not Wakefield's when they moved the knuckler to the 'pen, but Clay Buchholz is coming into his own. I think he has figured it out. For the first time EVER in any of his starts that I've seen him without that 'deer in the headlights' look and had a 'watch me fuck you with this baseball' look and I've never been so horny just thinking about it. This was never more evident than when Adrian "huge swing tiny testes" Beltre had a bootsie and Buchholz picked him up to get through the 8^th inning. If this is what the Sox were so patiently waiting for I think they have finally hit pay dirt. I stand corrected if he is going to throw like he has his last two starts out for the rest of the season and I could honestly seeing him be a 15 game winner this year!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Ryan Howard’s Contract

Well, Ryan Howard is one rich Motherfucker. 5 years for 125 mil. I'm going to be honest I might be one of a handful of people that doesn't see anything wrong with this deal for the player other than the fact that they didn't need to pay him right now.

The main qualms that I have with this deal is that it could hamstring the Phillies with regards to the potential signing of Jayson Werth. With the money they just gave to Ryan Howard, why couldn't they have at least offered Cliff Lee market value for 4 years and try to have both Halladay and Lee anchoring their rotation. Lastly, they didn't need to do this deal now. Have that number in the back of your head and wait until the end of his current deal. Howard still had 2 years left on his deal and if you're the Phillies you need to find a way to keep Jayson Werth at the end of the season. Without Werth anchoring down their outfield in terms of power they would no longer be head and shoulders above everyone else because of the quality depth of his lineup.

Everyone says, "Mo Vaughn, move over, here's another albatross." But I disagree wholeheartedly. The Phillies and baseball evaluators told him his defense sucked so what has he done? Went into the offseason focused on making defense his priority. When the same people told him that his body type wasn't conducive to players that have the sort of longevity in the league (see Cecil Fielder, Mo Vaughn, David Ortiz), he goes out and shaves 30 lbs of flab and amazingly doesn't lose any power at the Dish. He has put in the work necessary to become one of the premier sluggers in the league and he deserves to be rewarded.

The logical question is what does this mean for the rest of the 1^st base class: Pujols, Gonzalez, and Fielder.

Regarding Pujols- Not a fucking thing. This guy right now is a Hall of Famer and he just turned 30. Which means he has at the very least 5 more years of maximum production and he is the best baseball player on the planet. He plays defense BETTER than any first baseman in the league and of all the Hall of Fame 1^st baseman. He hits for average like Pete Rose and Ty Cobb, yet has that raw Mantle and Aaron Power. You don't look at anyone's contract when you start the bidding for Pujols. You give him a blank check and say, "fill it in, I'm going to smile and know that I'm extending one of the top 3 all-around best baseball players that ever lived."

Gonzalez- You give Gonzalez the median between Teixeira and Howard. He's the same age as Tex and while I consider him a bigger power threat, Tex has him in the defense category even though Adrian isn't anyone to scoff at. Howard will hit for more power than Gonzalez but I consider Adrian the better all-around hitter. Gonzalez defense is leaps and bounds however above Howard's improved defense. 6-7 years 165 sounds good to me.

Fielder- He hits piss missiles but his defense is so bad that it will hurt him in Free Agency despite Boras being his agent. I can see Fielder getting the smallest contract of the three and it will still probably eclipse 125 mil. Because it's hard to dispel 50 taters and 140 Ribs. You can look between 5-6 years 130.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Getting into the Swing of Things

It's been a while since a talked about baseball and there is a LOT on the slate… I'm going to try and cover everything swirling about in this semi-disfigured head of mine, in a series of bullet notes. Yeah that should do it.

• The Red Sox have been abysmal. I chose them to win over 100 games under the premise that they would be playing Gold Glove defense and Cy Young caliber pitching every night. That hasn't been the case. While I am positive that the pitching is going to be STRONG very soon, the injuries in the outfield, and inconsistency at shortstop have REALLY been detrimental to the defensive aspect of 'pitching and defense' mantra.
  
• The Sox NEED a catcher. Nope, wrong, they need a STARTING catcher. Victor Martinez should NEVER be allowed NEAR the plate unless he has a bat in his hand and Varitek cannot endure the rigors of an entire season at his age. Solution: Chris Iannetta, Mike Napoli, Kurt Suzuki, Chris Snyder. Iannetta is involved in a platoon, he's from Rhode Island and is a VERY good defensive catcher all around that can swing the stick despite his slow start. Mike Napoli is going to be expendable once Jeff Mathis comes back from an injury because they have a catcher from the minors waiting in the wings. Kurt Suzuki has become a solid ALL AROUND ball player. He's going to hit almost .300 hit 12-16 HRs, 65-70 RBI and he is fabulous behind the dish. He will only be available if the A's are out of contention. The Sox offered Daniel Bard for Chris Snyder over the winter according to reports and while I don't think they'd do that exact deal now he could also be someone on their radar when he comes back from his back injury.
  
• David Ortiz is done. For everyone saying look at the last half of last year. I don't care about his OPS+ his HRQz minus or any other onslaught of initials. AT NO POINT WAS ANYONE FEARING BOSTON'S DH last year. His head is gone, his swing is off and he is looking at too many fastballs. Mike Lowell's hot start is great but he is NOT the DH that we need. We need a lefty to keep the balance in the lineup and that is probably going to be Victor Martinez for the end of this season being that Adrian Gonzalez WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE until atleast the winter especially with the Padres competing.
  
• Other than bad pitching, sloppy defense, and a lack of timely hitting why are they losing? Jacoby Ellsbury. Albeit it was just a weekend series the Sox seemed to start finding their groove somewhat in that series and then Ellsbury went down with hairline fractures in his ribs. His dynamic style sculpts the top of our order in a way that Marco Scutaro couldn't dream of. As soon as he can get back at 100% that's when I expect a turn-around for our offense.
  
• I'm going to be the first to say I love what Orlando Hudson brings to the table. Good defense, good enough bat and some speed but he is so far off base with his cry of racism with regards to Jermaine Dye's impending comeback to baseball. He's Old, he plays defense like Jose Canseco, took an Ortiz like plummet in the second half with the bat, and asking for WAY too much money for 27 HRs. If no one was trying to sign him you might have a case but people are taking HUGE pay cuts because of the new defensive metrics and the economy that it is impractical for Jermaine Dye, whose skills are obviously depreciating, to ask for 6+ million. When the white players such as Aubrey Huff took 2 million, and Russell Bryanyan took 5 and were semi productive last year.
  
• The Rays are a fucking Machine. They just went 9-1 on a ten game road trip and came in and legitimately skull fucked Victor Martinez and the Red Sox for four games. While I chose Jon Lester to win the Cy Young is there any way I can change to Matt Garza? He's a BEAST.
  
• If you haven't seen Dallas Braden flip his SHIT on A-Rod, do yourself a favor watch it. Baseball's unwritten rules are the BEST. Don't walk across his mound mother fucker! They don't face each other again till July…I GUARANTEE he gets one in the Ribs.
  
• Anyone still clambering for Jason Bay .241avg 0HR 3RBI leads the league in strikeouts…just sayin'.
  
• Vernon Wells is BACK! But even if he hits 35 HRs a year for the duration of his contract it's STILL a bust.
  
• As I said Halladay is going to Win the Cy Young and win 25 games. Everyone says that in today's game it'll be almost impossible and I bet that there will be a couple games that leads get blown but against the JV he's going 8 innings every time and if the bullpen only has to throw one inning you're cutting out a LOT of variables.
  
• It's too bad Nelson Cruz didn't get a shot until he was older.
  
• Jason Heyward, the man, the myth, the legend is already growing on my as one of my favorite players in baseball. I mean he's not going to steal that title away from Lester and Pujols but the guy is game-changing. Griffey-esque even.
  

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Come Along for the Ride

Alright, let me be the first to tell you that I'm sorry for the lack of ambition to post. I was having some sort of awkward identity crises that was basically thinking people didn't want to hear what I had to say. I was CLEARLY wrong because I have been getting a ration, scratch that, an onslaught of shit for not writing so when women request for me to write, damn't I'm gonna write! For those of you who don't know I have been brutally maimed and look like that guy from Hocus Pocus with the stitches all on his mouth. A bit of an embellishment but not far enough from the truth that it's a lie so I might as well chronicle what's been going on lately. Also I'll give you guys some baseball stuff tomorrow I've been pretty lax on that and the Sox have been basically pistol whipped anyway so I figured who gives a shit.

Just about every weekend I head over to the "Father in Law's" house to do work around the house. Not only do I like doing it, I also feel as if I sort of owe him being that I impregnated his daughter out of wedlock, before she graduated high school and unbeknownst to him in his basement (wink wink). So our excursion started with taking a tree down in the backyard. I was told being "the mule" that he likes to call me that I had to work the come-along. More so in part that he doesn't trust me to run a chainsaw, but nonetheless, I had to pump the winch so that it would pull the tree in the direction that we wanted.

The tree fell EXACTLY where we wanted and we were about ready to go inside to watch Jon Lester fuck me in the rump AGAIN with a horrible outing when the "Grandfather in Law" came out and said, "I have a tree almost on the powerlines, why don't we cut that one down before it rains." Being the man's men that we are we grunted and silently said, "Bring it, Sucka".

When setting up the come-along on the first tree we set it as close to the tree as humanly possible. On the second one, something seemed a bit odd because we set the come-along out along the cable and had to pump the winch out on the cable without any leverage, but I didn't say anything. The tree was crooked and it was supposed to fall AT ME and I was supposed to run out of the way like a flash. But the tree fell away from me and was where I was supposed to run. So I thought silently, "stay where you are, so you don't become a flapjack". This would seem like a primo plan, but I didn't take into account that when the tree is falling all the tension on the cable would loosen. Upon hitting the ground that loose cable slung shot the come-along up at an ungodly speed and hit me square in the mouth.

It knocked me back a couple steps, but not off my feet because I'm a bad ass and I could feel that my tooth was loose and then I started swearing because I done fucked up my grill. Everyone looked at me and was like, "Oh fuck, you need to get to the hospital." So I get into the truck and look in the mirror and realize I have a gaping, open for fucking, vagina right on my upper lip. I'm talking a humongous Christina Aguilera pussy right there on my face. Now usually when Christina's chatch is on my face, it's a good day. This however was not quite the time I imagined with her.

So we're going to fast-forward the part where my mother freaks out that her baby got her faced mashed, right onto the gernie where the real pain is going to happen. So this deaf bald guy walks in with gloves on and sort of talks like Mr. Garrison from South Park, and says, "Time to clear the room and get some stitches, mmkay? Do you care about this shirt it's probably going to get a little messy mmkay?" Now see here I'm not a bitch. I can usually take pain. 90 mile an hour fastballs in the side are a piece of cake compared to 9 fucking shots of Lidocaine almost made me bawl like a 5 year old girl. Now not only was I getting pricked with these shots but he didn't prick all the right spots and I'm actually feeling the inner stitches getting sewn into my mug and it hurts like a sonofabitch. But whatever what's 21 stitches inside and out in the grill.

Fast forward again, to the dentist's office the next day. At this point I already know my tooth is federally fucked, but I need to know for sure and what better way to find out than having some guy with a poker prod around your mouth? It all started with an X-Ray. The woman who I swear to god wanted to get all up on this shit even while I looked like Rocky after his first bout without Clubber Lang. I say this because she was very sensually rubbing her huge old lady boobs on me while I was in the chair and stroking my arm saying, "You still feel ok, honey." Anyway back to the X-ray, She told me to bit this thing and stand still. That was a dumb idea. I wasn't thinking because I hadn't eaten anything in about 30 hrs at that point I just chomped down and screamed like Jonah Hill in Accepted.

It was then time for more lidocaine and I could not have been more uncomfortable for the entire duration of my dental visit. The whole time this guy was in my mouth, ok that didn't sound good, it seemed like he had his knee up on the arm rest to try to get more leverage and mercilessly rip out my tooth. I felt the tooth come out and that wasn't bad, but the break was such, that it broke up inside my gum and they had to drill and chisel the fuck out of my face. The rub here however, is that my lip was so swollen from the cold-cocking I took to the face that even though it was numb they had to rifle my lip around like they were stretching out pizza dough. This was fine when I couldn't feel anything but when I left the office my face was so beaten up and now on fire that I started screaming at ANYTHING and Everything in my path on my way home. There were things like:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, YOU COCK BITCH!"

"TURN FUCKING GREEN YOU STUPID RED SLUT" (stop light reference)

"IS EVERYONE TRYING TO FUCK ME IN THE CORN SHOOTER RIGHT NOW GET FUCKING MOVING!"

This rage was nothing short of Mel Gibson in The Patriot and I had one thing to look forward too right? Painkillers! Just kidding, they gave me 5mg Vicodin. Are you friggin serious? I get more relief from a spoonful of children's Dimetapp. My mouth is in Agony and you give me the equivalent of a Flintstone's Chewable. Go fuck a goat.

Flash forward to right this second. My lip is not quite as swollen as it was I still look like someone that works at the Abilene Walmart but we're improving. I was a bit self conscious because prior to this I was in a word an Adonis. Now I have this snaggle lip thing going on that would make Elvis shit himself and I have a lot of work to do. But with your help, my wit, and your mother's ass *rimshot* we'll get through this and I'll become George Clooney once again.

Stay Tuned

Ryan