Ok for everyone that has read this blog you know about the serious problem I have with people not knowing bathroom etiquette. When I say "bathroom etiquette" I mean go in there, pull out your shmeckle or drop your dockers and do your business and get the fuck out. There are no pleasantries needed in a bathroom because for the most part everything that happens in the facilities isn't all that pleasant. I like to think of the bathroom in the same way some douche bag would treat his women: Get in, Get off, Get out. Obviously I don't mean go into the bathroom and pull pud, but get in there and Nike man, just do it.
So today's excursion sort of starts like any other day. I'm sitting at my desk when the sensation arises that I need to use 'the Loo'. Hindsight being 20/20 that was just the beginning of my problems. I make the long arduous trip outside the office and open the bathroom door. I walk in to some cock block staring at me with a smile reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in Batman. As alarming, and awkward as this is what happens next was simply mortifying. He looked at me while holding his sausage and gave me a wave that some guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy would do when the designer walks in. Ya know a sort of, "TootleLoo". I mean I wanted to slap the fabulous right out of this guy just for acknowledging my presence in a bathroom but you're going to do that. I'm all for pretending to act all Ross from Friends (If he's not gay, he should be) when I'm in my inner circle just because it funny but this guy took it up a notch. I may be reaching in saying this guy wasn't retarded but it's only because he had a Bluetooth on bigger than most cucumbers. So, I might be going out on a limb when I say I doubt this guy has Downs' or Aspbergers. So what exactly was this guys deal?
So now, completely flabbergasted, I go into my stall. I'm doing what I set out to do and this guy walks in and starts hocking a loogie. This is not some regular "hock-tuey" this is as if he's trying to get an anvil from his esophagus and then after about 10 seconds of hocking you just hear this massive thud like you dropped a ten pound weight on a hollow floor. And I broke my vow of silence, essentially rule number 1, and dropped a, "are you fucking kidding me". The guy just chortled. I say chortled because he sounded like a fat guy. And doesn't 'chortled' just sound like something a fat guy would do?
Just so that I don't get my nuts cut off I realize that I've been lax when it has came to posting of late, but I really don't see the need to reiterate the fact that the Sox are playing more like a 7 year old, girls, Special Ed softball team more than need be. But I'm going to see Joe Mauer on Wednesday. I'm not going to see the Red Sox. I'm going to see Joe Mauer and the Twins because despite a non-ace on the team they still play the shit out of the game. But here's my dilemma. Last year I had tickets to see the Rays for Opening Day but I had taken the day off ahead of time so this game had to be played that day. On the way down on the train I check my phone and the goddamn Boston Globe has OPENING DAY CANCELLED, all over the front page. Now the weather this week is by and large optimistic, except for the one friggin day that I have tickets for the Red Sox. There's a 50% chance of showers and every other day doesn't even say so much as partly cloudy. You gotta be five finger, finger-blasting me. Ugh.
But in case you wanted the wisdom of one blogger what do the Sox need to do to win. There are a few things.
- Get Ellsbury and Cameron back in the lineup because running out Darnell McDonald, Bill Hall and Jonathan Van Every is really exposing the Red Sox. Because McDonald crushes fastballs but can't hit offspeed if he knew it was coming (which he clearly doesn't), as for Bill Hall there's a reason that the Brewers cut bait with him and Van Every is nothing more than a 9th inning pinch runner especially in the AL East. Bill Hall while versatile is such a liability with his bat that ANY call up would be better as long as they can play infield short and 3B.
- The Scott Schoenweis Experiment has been an abomination. He has no life on his fastball, no break on his breaking pitches and looks like a little leaguer with Babe Ruth at the plate every time he humps the rubber. Call up a minor leaguer. I don't care which one, they couldn't be any worse than Schoenweis is.
- Very soon, teams will either come down to earth or fall out of contention. Something has to be done…This team needs a 3 and a 5 hitter. Victor Martinez is doing his best Ortiz impression and he looks like a mess at the plate. I don't know who you can get…but you need to get people to produce.
- The DH situation needs to be rectified. Pick one. And get rid of the other one. Ortiz is hot now and is getting around on balls he wasn't just 2 weeks ago. It doesn't matter what you get back for either player you need to get rid of one because it is painstakingly obvious that it's causing a nuisance in the clubhouse. Honestly I'd like to get rid of both of them. But I don't' think there's any way you eat 24 million dollars for one year.
- This run prevention thing is a great theory. But this group of players, hasn't made it happen. Don't believe me…check out these stats…it's frightening.
If these things get rectified the team will make a run. If they don't you're looking at an 82 win team…let's see the sell out streak then…yikes.
Stay Tuned
Ryan
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