How do you know when you’ve had a bad day?

So here on the Seacoast in the big town of New Hampshire it is a windy day. I will even go out on a limb and call it downright blustery. I'm not sure the exact criteria to qualify for gale force winds but let's just say, Shit was turbulent.

Have you ever just watched and marveled at the stupidity of people. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Some people collect bottle caps, Tiger Woods pounds vag, I watch and make fun of stupid people. Well when I decided to leave a local eatery (he says wiping the Baconator off his mouth) I noticed a man probably mid 20's with a painting ensemble on. And being a former painter I did NOT envy him on these days where the wind is legitimately blowing harder than any Helen Hunt movie. But he's out there watching papers blow by at a pretty disgusting clip, and you can tell he's thinking, "Goddamn this shit is moving pretty fast."

So naturally what do you think this bonehead did next? He spits this Ace Ventura like load straight into the wind and we all know what happens. That shit hit him STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. I'm talking some like Family Double Dare, Pie in the Face, D in the A embarrassment and you're probably thinking, "I hope you offered him a hanky." Nope I pointed, laughed and nearly fell off the curb doubled over in laughter. It was the ultimate face scrape of shame while he was trying to squeegee the saliva and mucus off of his face. Classic.

On a baseball note, Jon Lester, HEEEEEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK. He clearly already turned his calendar to May when he railed Toronto with a donkey punch yesterday to the tune of 1 hit through 7 innings. He is locked in now. I'm proclaiming it. He found his sea legs and now will be going on one of those runs that separates the men from the boys, as he carves up opposing lineups. Look out world Lester is back with his fucking stick, or arm.

So I've been thinking and I may have to eat some words. No not the public disfiguring of Manny DelCarmen that still stands true. But the whole not being on Clay Buchholz bandwagon brigade has set sail. I did agree that it was his spot not Wakefield's when they moved the knuckler to the 'pen, but Clay Buchholz is coming into his own. I think he has figured it out. For the first time EVER in any of his starts that I've seen him without that 'deer in the headlights' look and had a 'watch me fuck you with this baseball' look and I've never been so horny just thinking about it. This was never more evident than when Adrian "huge swing tiny testes" Beltre had a bootsie and Buchholz picked him up to get through the 8^th inning. If this is what the Sox were so patiently waiting for I think they have finally hit pay dirt. I stand corrected if he is going to throw like he has his last two starts out for the rest of the season and I could honestly seeing him be a 15 game winner this year!

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Ryan Howard’s Contract

Well, Ryan Howard is one rich Motherfucker. 5 years for 125 mil. I'm going to be honest I might be one of a handful of people that doesn't see anything wrong with this deal for the player other than the fact that they didn't need to pay him right now.

The main qualms that I have with this deal is that it could hamstring the Phillies with regards to the potential signing of Jayson Werth. With the money they just gave to Ryan Howard, why couldn't they have at least offered Cliff Lee market value for 4 years and try to have both Halladay and Lee anchoring their rotation. Lastly, they didn't need to do this deal now. Have that number in the back of your head and wait until the end of his current deal. Howard still had 2 years left on his deal and if you're the Phillies you need to find a way to keep Jayson Werth at the end of the season. Without Werth anchoring down their outfield in terms of power they would no longer be head and shoulders above everyone else because of the quality depth of his lineup.

Everyone says, "Mo Vaughn, move over, here's another albatross." But I disagree wholeheartedly. The Phillies and baseball evaluators told him his defense sucked so what has he done? Went into the offseason focused on making defense his priority. When the same people told him that his body type wasn't conducive to players that have the sort of longevity in the league (see Cecil Fielder, Mo Vaughn, David Ortiz), he goes out and shaves 30 lbs of flab and amazingly doesn't lose any power at the Dish. He has put in the work necessary to become one of the premier sluggers in the league and he deserves to be rewarded.

The logical question is what does this mean for the rest of the 1^st base class: Pujols, Gonzalez, and Fielder.

Regarding Pujols- Not a fucking thing. This guy right now is a Hall of Famer and he just turned 30. Which means he has at the very least 5 more years of maximum production and he is the best baseball player on the planet. He plays defense BETTER than any first baseman in the league and of all the Hall of Fame 1^st baseman. He hits for average like Pete Rose and Ty Cobb, yet has that raw Mantle and Aaron Power. You don't look at anyone's contract when you start the bidding for Pujols. You give him a blank check and say, "fill it in, I'm going to smile and know that I'm extending one of the top 3 all-around best baseball players that ever lived."

Gonzalez- You give Gonzalez the median between Teixeira and Howard. He's the same age as Tex and while I consider him a bigger power threat, Tex has him in the defense category even though Adrian isn't anyone to scoff at. Howard will hit for more power than Gonzalez but I consider Adrian the better all-around hitter. Gonzalez defense is leaps and bounds however above Howard's improved defense. 6-7 years 165 sounds good to me.

Fielder- He hits piss missiles but his defense is so bad that it will hurt him in Free Agency despite Boras being his agent. I can see Fielder getting the smallest contract of the three and it will still probably eclipse 125 mil. Because it's hard to dispel 50 taters and 140 Ribs. You can look between 5-6 years 130.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Getting into the Swing of Things

It's been a while since a talked about baseball and there is a LOT on the slate… I'm going to try and cover everything swirling about in this semi-disfigured head of mine, in a series of bullet notes. Yeah that should do it.

• The Red Sox have been abysmal. I chose them to win over 100 games under the premise that they would be playing Gold Glove defense and Cy Young caliber pitching every night. That hasn't been the case. While I am positive that the pitching is going to be STRONG very soon, the injuries in the outfield, and inconsistency at shortstop have REALLY been detrimental to the defensive aspect of 'pitching and defense' mantra.
  
• The Sox NEED a catcher. Nope, wrong, they need a STARTING catcher. Victor Martinez should NEVER be allowed NEAR the plate unless he has a bat in his hand and Varitek cannot endure the rigors of an entire season at his age. Solution: Chris Iannetta, Mike Napoli, Kurt Suzuki, Chris Snyder. Iannetta is involved in a platoon, he's from Rhode Island and is a VERY good defensive catcher all around that can swing the stick despite his slow start. Mike Napoli is going to be expendable once Jeff Mathis comes back from an injury because they have a catcher from the minors waiting in the wings. Kurt Suzuki has become a solid ALL AROUND ball player. He's going to hit almost .300 hit 12-16 HRs, 65-70 RBI and he is fabulous behind the dish. He will only be available if the A's are out of contention. The Sox offered Daniel Bard for Chris Snyder over the winter according to reports and while I don't think they'd do that exact deal now he could also be someone on their radar when he comes back from his back injury.
  
• David Ortiz is done. For everyone saying look at the last half of last year. I don't care about his OPS+ his HRQz minus or any other onslaught of initials. AT NO POINT WAS ANYONE FEARING BOSTON'S DH last year. His head is gone, his swing is off and he is looking at too many fastballs. Mike Lowell's hot start is great but he is NOT the DH that we need. We need a lefty to keep the balance in the lineup and that is probably going to be Victor Martinez for the end of this season being that Adrian Gonzalez WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE until atleast the winter especially with the Padres competing.
  
• Other than bad pitching, sloppy defense, and a lack of timely hitting why are they losing? Jacoby Ellsbury. Albeit it was just a weekend series the Sox seemed to start finding their groove somewhat in that series and then Ellsbury went down with hairline fractures in his ribs. His dynamic style sculpts the top of our order in a way that Marco Scutaro couldn't dream of. As soon as he can get back at 100% that's when I expect a turn-around for our offense.
  
• I'm going to be the first to say I love what Orlando Hudson brings to the table. Good defense, good enough bat and some speed but he is so far off base with his cry of racism with regards to Jermaine Dye's impending comeback to baseball. He's Old, he plays defense like Jose Canseco, took an Ortiz like plummet in the second half with the bat, and asking for WAY too much money for 27 HRs. If no one was trying to sign him you might have a case but people are taking HUGE pay cuts because of the new defensive metrics and the economy that it is impractical for Jermaine Dye, whose skills are obviously depreciating, to ask for 6+ million. When the white players such as Aubrey Huff took 2 million, and Russell Bryanyan took 5 and were semi productive last year.
  
• The Rays are a fucking Machine. They just went 9-1 on a ten game road trip and came in and legitimately skull fucked Victor Martinez and the Red Sox for four games. While I chose Jon Lester to win the Cy Young is there any way I can change to Matt Garza? He's a BEAST.
  
• If you haven't seen Dallas Braden flip his SHIT on A-Rod, do yourself a favor watch it. Baseball's unwritten rules are the BEST. Don't walk across his mound mother fucker! They don't face each other again till July…I GUARANTEE he gets one in the Ribs.
  
• Anyone still clambering for Jason Bay .241avg 0HR 3RBI leads the league in strikeouts…just sayin'.
  
• Vernon Wells is BACK! But even if he hits 35 HRs a year for the duration of his contract it's STILL a bust.
  
• As I said Halladay is going to Win the Cy Young and win 25 games. Everyone says that in today's game it'll be almost impossible and I bet that there will be a couple games that leads get blown but against the JV he's going 8 innings every time and if the bullpen only has to throw one inning you're cutting out a LOT of variables.
  
• It's too bad Nelson Cruz didn't get a shot until he was older.
  
• Jason Heyward, the man, the myth, the legend is already growing on my as one of my favorite players in baseball. I mean he's not going to steal that title away from Lester and Pujols but the guy is game-changing. Griffey-esque even.
  

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Come Along for the Ride

Alright, let me be the first to tell you that I'm sorry for the lack of ambition to post. I was having some sort of awkward identity crises that was basically thinking people didn't want to hear what I had to say. I was CLEARLY wrong because I have been getting a ration, scratch that, an onslaught of shit for not writing so when women request for me to write, damn't I'm gonna write! For those of you who don't know I have been brutally maimed and look like that guy from Hocus Pocus with the stitches all on his mouth. A bit of an embellishment but not far enough from the truth that it's a lie so I might as well chronicle what's been going on lately. Also I'll give you guys some baseball stuff tomorrow I've been pretty lax on that and the Sox have been basically pistol whipped anyway so I figured who gives a shit.

Just about every weekend I head over to the "Father in Law's" house to do work around the house. Not only do I like doing it, I also feel as if I sort of owe him being that I impregnated his daughter out of wedlock, before she graduated high school and unbeknownst to him in his basement (wink wink). So our excursion started with taking a tree down in the backyard. I was told being "the mule" that he likes to call me that I had to work the come-along. More so in part that he doesn't trust me to run a chainsaw, but nonetheless, I had to pump the winch so that it would pull the tree in the direction that we wanted.

The tree fell EXACTLY where we wanted and we were about ready to go inside to watch Jon Lester fuck me in the rump AGAIN with a horrible outing when the "Grandfather in Law" came out and said, "I have a tree almost on the powerlines, why don't we cut that one down before it rains." Being the man's men that we are we grunted and silently said, "Bring it, Sucka".

When setting up the come-along on the first tree we set it as close to the tree as humanly possible. On the second one, something seemed a bit odd because we set the come-along out along the cable and had to pump the winch out on the cable without any leverage, but I didn't say anything. The tree was crooked and it was supposed to fall AT ME and I was supposed to run out of the way like a flash. But the tree fell away from me and was where I was supposed to run. So I thought silently, "stay where you are, so you don't become a flapjack". This would seem like a primo plan, but I didn't take into account that when the tree is falling all the tension on the cable would loosen. Upon hitting the ground that loose cable slung shot the come-along up at an ungodly speed and hit me square in the mouth.

It knocked me back a couple steps, but not off my feet because I'm a bad ass and I could feel that my tooth was loose and then I started swearing because I done fucked up my grill. Everyone looked at me and was like, "Oh fuck, you need to get to the hospital." So I get into the truck and look in the mirror and realize I have a gaping, open for fucking, vagina right on my upper lip. I'm talking a humongous Christina Aguilera pussy right there on my face. Now usually when Christina's chatch is on my face, it's a good day. This however was not quite the time I imagined with her.

So we're going to fast-forward the part where my mother freaks out that her baby got her faced mashed, right onto the gernie where the real pain is going to happen. So this deaf bald guy walks in with gloves on and sort of talks like Mr. Garrison from South Park, and says, "Time to clear the room and get some stitches, mmkay? Do you care about this shirt it's probably going to get a little messy mmkay?" Now see here I'm not a bitch. I can usually take pain. 90 mile an hour fastballs in the side are a piece of cake compared to 9 fucking shots of Lidocaine almost made me bawl like a 5 year old girl. Now not only was I getting pricked with these shots but he didn't prick all the right spots and I'm actually feeling the inner stitches getting sewn into my mug and it hurts like a sonofabitch. But whatever what's 21 stitches inside and out in the grill.

Fast forward again, to the dentist's office the next day. At this point I already know my tooth is federally fucked, but I need to know for sure and what better way to find out than having some guy with a poker prod around your mouth? It all started with an X-Ray. The woman who I swear to god wanted to get all up on this shit even while I looked like Rocky after his first bout without Clubber Lang. I say this because she was very sensually rubbing her huge old lady boobs on me while I was in the chair and stroking my arm saying, "You still feel ok, honey." Anyway back to the X-ray, She told me to bit this thing and stand still. That was a dumb idea. I wasn't thinking because I hadn't eaten anything in about 30 hrs at that point I just chomped down and screamed like Jonah Hill in Accepted.

It was then time for more lidocaine and I could not have been more uncomfortable for the entire duration of my dental visit. The whole time this guy was in my mouth, ok that didn't sound good, it seemed like he had his knee up on the arm rest to try to get more leverage and mercilessly rip out my tooth. I felt the tooth come out and that wasn't bad, but the break was such, that it broke up inside my gum and they had to drill and chisel the fuck out of my face. The rub here however, is that my lip was so swollen from the cold-cocking I took to the face that even though it was numb they had to rifle my lip around like they were stretching out pizza dough. This was fine when I couldn't feel anything but when I left the office my face was so beaten up and now on fire that I started screaming at ANYTHING and Everything in my path on my way home. There were things like:

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, YOU COCK BITCH!"

"TURN FUCKING GREEN YOU STUPID RED SLUT" (stop light reference)

"IS EVERYONE TRYING TO FUCK ME IN THE CORN SHOOTER RIGHT NOW GET FUCKING MOVING!"

This rage was nothing short of Mel Gibson in The Patriot and I had one thing to look forward too right? Painkillers! Just kidding, they gave me 5mg Vicodin. Are you friggin serious? I get more relief from a spoonful of children's Dimetapp. My mouth is in Agony and you give me the equivalent of a Flintstone's Chewable. Go fuck a goat.

Flash forward to right this second. My lip is not quite as swollen as it was I still look like someone that works at the Abilene Walmart but we're improving. I was a bit self conscious because prior to this I was in a word an Adonis. Now I have this snaggle lip thing going on that would make Elvis shit himself and I have a lot of work to do. But with your help, my wit, and your mother's ass *rimshot* we'll get through this and I'll become George Clooney once again.

Stay Tuned

Ryan

Win one for the Gipper, or Me

So it's been 2 games. 2 games and people are all on David Ortiz's jock. I am a steadfast believer that Ortiz is done and have been a proponent of that belief since last year. That being said, Terry Francona DID make the wrong call not pinch hitting Mike Lowell for Ortiz in the 8^th. First off, Ortiz's numbers against Marte are not good (.143) and Lowell punishes lefties (although 0 for 1 career against Damaso). Let's just say there was a little gamesmanship and Girardi decided to not even pitch Marte after they pulled Ortiz and brought in Joba, well Ortiz is only hitting .235 off of that little pissant while Lowell is hitting a robust .435. I understand the whole, it's the beginning of the year mantra and that Tito manages differently in October but play the numbers and play it the right way.

Pitching and Defense. That's been the theme all offseason and we have yet to see good starting pitching although Daniel Bard has legit given me some visual felatio watching him dispatch of the Yankees bomb squad. And Scutaro was the reason we lost that game yesterday. I realize that the error was probably more of an aberration but hey, this team was supposed to make EVERY routine play and just about every spectacular play. As soon as that play happened I knew they were not winning that game. Call me a cynic, whatever, that is a make or break play and he broke that shit in half.

Here's another little tidbit for ya. I realize DelCarmen didn't get the loss in the book, but jesus Christ was he horrible last night. We already know I'd rather get gang raped by those guys from American History X than have him on this team but honestly he has nothing. No velocity, no bite on his curve. Which in turn is making his out pitch (the change) more hittable. Someone give this joker the door.

Lackey's up tonight ladies and gents and what better way to start off your Sox career than a complete game 2 hitter?

Stay Tuned

Ryan

A Bender on the Horizon

I'm going to be honest with y'all. I may have a small problem. I have this problem of predicting benders and binges in advance of them actually happening. Precisely why I took Monday off so that Sunday night I can watch Josh Beckett and the Red Sox brutally defecate all over the dreams of the Yankees even if its just for the day. Everyone here knows I'm a Captain's man but we're going to be going big time in the Norton residence come the commencement of the Baseball season.

Who didn't enjoy a good Easter Egg hunt when they were younger? I know that I did. And who is society to tell me that I can no longer enjoy the fruits of a good search for some ovum during the resurrection of Christ? No one, that's who! Because this Sunday I will be taking part in a real hunt that everyone else will be jealous of. Instead of the proverbial candy in that little plastic blue egg from Wal Mart or Rite Aid I will be scouring the outside for Nips. Small bottles of Frangelico, Dr. McGillicuddy, Sambuca, Absolut, and virtually any large bottle of alcohol turned into a shot. Am I excited? FLOORED!

I also feel obligated to let everyone know about my quest in being a carbon copy of Dom from The Fast and the Furious. And I'll admit that right now I'm wearing a tight green shirt that I can honestly say looks fucking phenomenal on me. I've been hitting the weights hard, doing cardio every other day (I would be doing it every day except without an ACL it makes it a little bit of a painful task), and eating right. And let me tell you it has done nothing for me other than an exceptional looking reflection in the mirror. I haven't gotten a raise, there are no more women than usual knocking down my door to drool on my abs, and I have not yet humped Carrie Underwood in a music video (sweet jesus does that girl eye-ball fuck that shit out of me).

Also, I like to think of myself as someone that is ambitious. A stretch for a guy that still lives in his home town and has two kids before the age of 22, but hear me out. Ever since I was little, I was told that I could flat out sing (yes ladies, I not only look like an Adonis but I croon like Sinatra). As referenced in my Guilty Pleasures, I'm a rather avid fan of the new sensation Glee. Right now they are holding open casting calls between NOW and April 26^th. So I've all but assured myself that I'm not only going to own the shit out of that audition, I'm going to become a sex symbol. It's pretty much a fact, so I'll keep you abreast of the situation.

Stay Tuned

Ryan